Pleasantly Raising Cain
by DeadGirl19
Summary: A random bunch of drabbles that come to my mind! Some romantic, some adventurous, some just crazy one-shots... based at various points throughout the series, so expect the dead to rise! :)
1. Hungry Teenager

**Just a random collection of Skulduggery Pleasant drabbles. Anyone else read Book 9 yet? OMG best book ****_ever_****... why does it have to end!?**

**Valkyrie's about 16 in this.**

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><p><strong>Hungry Teenager<strong>

As far as she was concerned, this was all Skulduggery's fault.

If he hadn't had woken her up at six in the morning, dragged her to the Sanctuary to collect files on missing_ kittens_, then forced her to trudge through Roarhaven searching for said kittens because they were supposedly magical and were, as Skulduggery put it, "deadly weapons in the wrong hands", even though as far as Valkyrie was concerned they were just kittens, _then_ making her do the same for magical _puppies_ (yes, they exist, too), not stopping once all day so she could get something to eat; if Skulduggery didn't do all this, she would not be combing through Skulduggery's kitchen looking for even a scrap of food, muttering "food, food, food" over and over.

Skulduggery, now finished writing up the report on the kitten/puppy case, popped his head around the kitchen door.

"Uhhh... Valkyrie?"

"What!?" Came an angry reply.

"You do know that I'm a skeleton, right?"

Slowly, Valkyrie turned around and faced him, with a glare that would have reduced any normal person to ashes. Sadly, Skulduggery was far from normal.

"Skulduggery I hope for your sake that you're about to say something sensible because I am HUNGRY, and if you start speaking the nonsense you always do, I swear I will get the biggest dog you have ever seen, and I'm gonna let him loose in your room when you're meditating."

Skulduggery, for his part, didn't even seem fazed, and said, slightly amused, "Valkyrie, skeletons can't eat. I have no need for food, and you finished what little amount there was last week. The kitchen is empty..." He trailed off, noticing that Valkyrie was slowly inching closer, with a mega death glare across her face.

"Skulduggery," she said, deathly quiet, "you are gonna find me some food, and you are gonna do it NOW!" She screamed the last bit, causing Skulduggery to flinch back.

He quickly scrambled for some takeaway leaflets.

"What do you want? Pizza? Yes, that sounds nice, from Pizza Hut or Domino's? Margherita or Vegetable, or how about this Hot 'n' Spicy one? Any side dishes, chicken or something? The chips look nice. Oh! And how about ice cream for dessert? Mmhh, what pizza did you want again? Valkyrie? Uhhh... Val?"

Valkyrie was now dangerously close to Skulduggery's skull.

"SKULDUGGERY SHUT UP FOR A SECOND! RIGHT, GIVE ME THE PHONE!" Valkyrie yelled, having had enough of Skulduggery being helpful, deciding to take matters into her own hands. Skulduggery flinched back at her shrillness, and cowered in the corner of the kitchen.

Valkyrie punched the number for the local takeaway into the phone, with more ferocity than was needed.

"HELLO? I AM HUNGRY, GET ME A PIZZA **_NOW!_**" Yelled Valkyrie into the phone. Skulduggery instantly felt a stab of pity for this poor, innocent mortal, currently facing Valkyrie's wrath.

"I DON'T CARE WHICH ONE, JUST MAKE IT BIG AND MAKE IT FAST! WHAT? WHAT SORT OF A QUESTION IS THAT!? NO, I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO OLIVES, AND I DO NOT WANT CHIPS, I WANT A **_PIZZA, NOW!_**"

By this point, Valkyrie was screaming her hungry head off, and Skulduggery was slowly backing out of the room. However, he hadn't gotten far when Valkyrie jabbed a finger in his direction.

"YOU! Get back here, Skul, and sort out the boring details!" said Valkyrie, who had calmed down a bit, but probably out of hunger rather than compassion. _Ha! Valkyrie being compassionate, that'll be the day! _thought Skulduggery.

She threw the phone at Skulduggery, who quickly told the poor boy on the phone the house's address, whilst Valkyrie ran to the living room and stood by the window, watching intently for the delivery to arrive.

After 25 painstakingly tedious minutes, which consisted mainly of Valkyrie saying "pizza, pizza, pizza" over and over again, and Skulduggery telling her to be quiet, resulting in several pokes in the ribs, the pizza finally arrived.

The motorbike inched slowly into the driveway...

The guy turned it off...

Put on the stand...

Swung his leg over...

Took off his helmet...

Took out the pizza box...

Walked towards the front door...

Step...

Step...

Step...

Raised his hand to knock...

By this point, Valkyrie's face was pressed up against the glass, having gotten nearer with each second the stupid pizza boy wasted.

Skulduggery, seeing her desperation, walked to the door, activated his facade, and answered it before the guy knocked. He took the pizza, and threw a £10 note at him, muttering, "Keep the change or I'll never hear the end of it."

The pizza guy, who was the same one that had answered the phone to Valkyrie earlier, said, "Everything alright in there, mate? Only, a girl was getting quite agitated on the phone a while ago."

"Look in the window on your right, and you'll see what all the fuss was about," replied Skulduggery.

The pizza guy did so, and screamed, for in the window was Valkyrie's face pushed right up to the glass, watching his every move intently, like a predator. Her cheeks were red from all the screaming she was doing earlier, and were puffed out as they pressed against the window, her mouth open like a fish. Her eyes seemed to be saying, "Run, little boy, or I will eat you up!" She looked, for want of a better word, like a cannibal.

The pizza guy shot off down the path, and rode off on his motorbike as quick as possible, swerving left and right for a few seconds until he had calmed himself down.

Valkyrie, however, didn't bother with the whole 'calm' thing, and tore into the hallway, snatched the box out of Skulduggery's hand, ran back into the living room and dug into the contents of the box. She shoved whole slices of pizza into her mouth, and when she was finished, she let out a contented burp.

Skulduggery, having witnessed this whole horror show, tilted his head in what looked like disgust. However, before he could say anything, Valkyrie said,

"Skulduggery you listen here before you say _anything_. You do not know how close I was to eating those kittens today, Skul, so I swear you better not make me starve again or next time I won't be able to help myself and will start eating whoever or whatever is involved in our case."

"Even if the case is to hunt Scapegrace?" Skulduggery asked doubtfully.

"Even then."

Skulduggery made a sound like he was retching, and darted out of the living room. Valkyrie sat back and sighed contentedly. _Maybe it won't be so bad, actually, eating Scapegrace. Mmh, I'm sure zombies have at least _some_ proteins..._

And with that, she began to daydream...


	2. Doors

**This is a pretty short and random one, but I'll have another up soon, too. Massive thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far! Also, please give me some ideas if you can; I've got a few but I'm interested in seeing what you guys all want to read about! Thanks! :)**

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><p><strong>Doors<strong>

_Knock, knock, knock._

Skulduggery walked to his front door and activated his facade, wondering who could be at the door. He had given Valkyrie the day off, and wasn't actually visited by anyone else.

He opened the door to a short man, with dark hair and darker eyes, and was slightly overweight. He was wearing a suit.

"Can I help you?" asked Skulduggery.

"Hello, I'm Mr Rattlebag, I'm from the pub a few streets away, and I'm here to persuade you to sign my petition. What's happening is that they wanna demolish our pub, and build a block of flats there instead. They'll be seven stories high, and will ruin the beautiful skyline we have around here. And they won't stop there- the new residents will be noisy and loud and we don't want any of that here, and-"

"Mr Rattlebag, are you trying to tell me that a pub isn't noisy or loud?" questioned Skulduggery sceptically.

"Well, uh, no, but... Listen, if you sign, I'll give ya free drinks for a week. How does that sound?"

"Mr Rattlebag, I don't drink..."

"Free food, then! Fish 'n' chips!"

"No, I... I'm not interested."

"Oh come on, you look like you need the food! Skinny as a skeleton, you are!"

"No, sir, I honestly _don't_ need the food, trust me. I'm afraid I won't be signing your peti-"

"And look at that skin!" continued the man. "It has no life at all, it's waxy and rubbery. You need some food in you, boy, and I'll give it to you for free if you just sign _here_."

"No, sir, I really don't need food, and I will not sign. Good day," said Skulduggery, closing the door.

_People these days get stranger and stranger_, he thought.


	3. Conversations

**Third one's up! Are you guys interested in seeing some romance (i.e. Valduggery) or something else, like adventure or mystery, or horror?**

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><p><strong>Conversations<strong>

Ghastly had just received a text from Skulduggery saying that him and Valkyrie had just finished their case report and were going to drop it off in a couple of hours, after they had _"attended to some very urgent and confidential business"_.

Ghastly sat back and sighed. He had only taken the job as Elder because he thought that it would make it easier to hunt down Tanith and remove the remnant, but it was exactly the opposite. He hadn't even had time to look into her whereabouts in the last few months- he was so busy with all the damn paperwork that he and Ravel were forced to go through. It was no wonder that Ireland had gotten through so many Elders in the past few years; they had probably arranged their own deaths to get away from this damn PAPERWORK.

_Tea, _he thought, _I need tea. _Just then, his phone rang. It was Valkyrie.

"Hi Ghastly, we won't be able to make it until tomorrow, we're...busy," she said, sounding slightly tired, her voice strained.

"No problem, Val, take your time." _It's not as if I'll read it anyway, _he thought.

"Okay, thanks Elder Bespoke!"

"Please, just call me Ghastly. _Please_."

"See you tomorrow, your highness!" said Valkyrie, and with that she rung off...

...or so she thought.

Ghastly could hear Valkyrie and Skulduggery in the background. Because Valkyrie had forgotten to press "End Call", Ghastly could very clearly make out his close friends' conversation.

"No! Valkyrie, get that long thing."

"This one?"

"Yes, now put it in here. NO! In here!"

"This hole here?"

"Ye- NO! In the bigger hole."

"Oh, okay. Now what?"

"Now you move it around until it feels right."

"Uhhh... It doesn't feel right, Skulduggery."

"MOVE IT, VALKYRIE! In and out, up and down, round and round."

"YES! OMG YES IT FEELS RIGHT! SKULDUGGERY I'M DOING IT!"

"About time, too... Now concentrate, it will get harder."

"It feels pretty hard already, Skull."

Hastily, Ghastly pressed "End Call" on his mobile. He did _not_ want to hear the rest of...whatever that was. Skulduggery and Valkyrie sounded like they were... getting pretty close... _No! Your mind will not go there! _He told himself, but it was no use.

He poured the cup of tea he was going to have before all this nonsense started up, and took a long sip.

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><p>The next day, Skulduggery and Valkyrie walked into Ghastly's office.<p>

"'Sup, Elder B?" said Valkyrie, seemingly in a good mood. _Well, no wonder she is, after what happened last night..._ Ghastly thought, remembering how he overheard their conversation.

"Here's the report, as promised. I know, I know, it looks amazing, but that's just because of my brilliant brain and its brilliant properties," said Skulduggery, who was also extremely happy this morning.

"Thank you, both of you, but I have a question for you," replied Ghastly. He thought of how best to say it, then decided to just be subtle.

"What on earth were you two doing yesterday evening?"

"Well, we had just finished the report, when I had the idea for Skulduggery to teach me how to pick locks, and it was actually really easy! Basically, you get this long thing, I can't remember what it's called, and you put it in the keyhole, and then you wiggle it around a bit until it feels right, and then the lock opens!" exclaimed Valkyrie excitedly.

"Glad to see you were listening so closely," Skulduggery said dryly.

"But...But... You sounded so out of breath?" Ghastly asked, still not believing that he could have gotten confused between lock picking and... _mating_.

"Yeah, because _someone_," Valkyrie began, looking at Skulduggery, "thought it was funny to chase me around the living room because I _accidentally_ left a coffee stain on the report."

"It was a very good report," Skulduggery muttered.

Suddenly, Ghastly started laughing. _All this time, I thought that... that him and Val... But they were just picking locks! _He thought to himself. All this time, he had been so stupid, and now he was getting pretty hysterical, mainly out of sheer _relief._

Skulduggery and Valkyrie exchanged glances and left him there, and walked out of the office.

Ghastly just threw his head back and roared with even more relieved laughter.


	4. Until the End?

**Thanks again for all the support!**

**Valkyrie's 17**

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><p><strong>Until the end?<strong>

_Run. Run. RUN!_

Valkyrie's mind willed her on, forced her to keep running through the colossal forest. The path had long ago ended, and now she was clambering blindly over rocks and through thickets. The forest floor was speckled with sunlight, filtered out by the lush canopy above, but it was getting dark. Soon, she would not be able to see.

Gunshots echoed through the air, deafening her. She was running from the various Sanctuaries around the world, who had united in the fight against Darquesse. Against _her_. Although she had turned back three days ago, they still believed that Darquesse was out. But, what broke her heart the most, was that it was Skulduggery who was leading the chase.

Having thought that it was too great a risk for the planet, he decided that the threat of Darquesse should be eliminated.

Those gunshots, which used to be so familiar to her, signifying the defeat of an enemy, now sounded completely alien, even though they were being fired from the same gun- Skulduggery always was rather fond of the .38 Smith and Wesson revolver. But now, it was not being used _for_ her, it was being used _against_ her.

Suddenly, she came to a small ledge, overlooking a drop of about twenty feet. She had been running too fast, and now her momentum caused her to skid straight over the edge, plunging down and landing hardly onto a rock beneath her.

Her head was cut and was bleeding badly. Then, a face loomed over the side of the ledge.

Or rather, a skull.

"I am so sorry it's come to this, Valkyrie. But... We can't risk it," said that velvety voice, that she had loved since that night when she was twelve.

A skeletal hand rose, gripping a revolver.

Six shots were fired.

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><p>Valkyrie woke up, screaming. Suddenly, hands were gripping her shoulders, and a voice was saying, "Nightmare, Valkyrie, it was just a nightmare."<p>

_Those same hands_, something in her head told her, _and that same voice._

She jerked away from Skulduggery, backing up to the other end of the bed. _Yes, it had just been a nightmare,_ she thought, _but it could all too easily come true._

"Valkyrie?" asked Skulduggery, sounding hurt. "Val, it's _me_. Skulduggery."

"G-get away from me!" stammered Valkyrie.

"Val? What happened in your nightmare? Was it Darquesse? Valkyrie please tell me, I'm only trying to help you, you know that I'd _never_ hurt you."

_Just a dream_, she told herself, _just a stupid, stupid dream. It's not real. Skulduggery would never betray me._

Taking a deep breath, she said, "I-I was being hunted by the Sanctuary, they knew, they _knew_ about Darquesse and they were trying to kill me, cuz I was too dangerous, and y-you... y-you..." She broke off and started crying, uncontrollable tears drizzling down her cheeks.

She felt thin arms around her, and looked to see Skulduggery hugging her, attempting to soothe her. She began again, "You were leading the hunt."

At this, Skulduggery stiffened, and Valkyrie continued, "You shot me six times, and... I guess I died."

Skulduggery hugged Valkyrie tightly, not wanting to let her go.

"How could you think that I'd ever do this to you, Valkyrie? You're my best friend, my partner, I would have given in to my rage long ago if it wasn't for you. Do you not think you mean anything to me? _Anything_?" questioned Skulduggery.

"But you have good reason to kill me! I'm Darquesse, I'm gonna destroy the bloody _world_- you can't just ignore that! Skulduggery I-"

"Darquesse can and _will_ be stopped, _don't_ give in to her!"

"I'll fight, Skulduggery, you know I will, but... Promise me you'll stay with me," said Valkyrie.

"I promise."

"Until the end?"

"Until the end."

Valkyrie fell asleep in Skulduggery's arms, listening to the sound of his voice as he sang 'The Girl from Ipanema'.

_Those same arms, and that same voice._


	5. Family

**Bit of a random one...**

**Val's 19, Kenspeckle is alive, as well as all the Dead Men.**

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><p><strong>Family<strong>

Guns were firing all around, and the sky was black with smoke caused by immense explosions. _War zones are hell_, Valkyrie reflected.

Her and the other Dead Men were sprinting through an abandoned village, their comrades dropping all around them. They just needed to get to the barn on the outskirts of the village- then they could step into the Atom Transporter and leave. It had been built by Kenspeckle Grouse, and it was in his surgery that it stood, so going through would mean that they ended up back at the Hibernian. The man that had tricked them through had led them to the other end of the village and had gotten them captured. Apparently, in this dimension, the Dead Men were wanted criminals. However, being the Dead Men, they managed to escape in no time, and were now making their way back to the Transporter. Everyone back home weren't aware of what had happened, so the seven were on their own.

Valkyrie glanced at the men she was with. Anton Shudder looked determined, yet exhausted. He had unleashed his Gist shortly before, and was still recovering from the after effects.

Saracen Rue was also tiring, not having done this sort of thing for years. Dried blood caked his hand, from where a bullet skimmed past, narrowly avoiding his hip.

Erskine Ravel had regained consciousness mere minutes before, after being thrown through a shack. His cheek was still bleeding, but he ignored it, and carried on.

Dexter Vex, on the other hand, was built for this. A war machine. His t-shirt was torn and bloody, and his impressive muscles were showing. He had suffered a couple of punches and hard kicks, but was otherwise coping well.

Ghastly Bespoke had perhaps come out of it the worst, having been shot in the shoulder. Yet still he sprinted on, attempting to forget about the pain. However, his face said it all- he wouldn't last much longer.

Skulduggery Pleasant was the only one left unscathed, with no skin to bleed, no muscles to tire, and no thirst to need quenching. He moved quickly, keeping just ahead of the others, yet still boosted them along by manipulating the air.

Valkyrie herself was tiring greatly. She had been injured when a burning piece of wood had flown through the air and landed on her arm, burning it badly. The pain was slowing her down, yet she still spurred on.

Skulduggery saw Valkyrie tiring, and grabbed her hand, literally _pulling_ her along with him.

_Nearly there,_ she told herself. And it was true; the barn was right ahead of them, in clear sight. Maybe 20 more seconds of sprinting and they'd be there.

And then it all went wrong.

The Dead Men heard Skulduggery yell, "GRENADE!" but it was too late.

All of a sudden, their visions were filled with blackness, that seeped out of the smoke and fire that had washed upon them. Slowly, one by one, they lost consciousness, until only Skulduggery was left awake.

As the smoke cleared, he looked down at his fellow Dead Men. All were bleeding badly, as well as horrifically burnt. Yet _somehow_, they were alive.

He could see Anton _already_ regaining consciousness. _He always was the strongest_, thought Skulduggery. He glanced behind him at the barn. It was only a few seconds away- but would that be enough time to drag them all there and into the Teleporter, before another attack?

There was no time to debate about it- this was the only way to save at least _some_ of his friends.

Instinctively, he picked up Valkyrie first. She was light in his arms, and his suit was getting darker with the amount of blood she was losing. He sprinted to the barn and stepped into the Teleporter with her.

Instantly, Kenspeckle saw them, having been working on tissue samples in that very room. "What happened?" he asked, astounded to see not only Valkyrie covered in blood, but also to see the two step out of the Transporter.

"We were tricked and led through into another dimension. The others are still there, I need to get them," said Skulduggery urgently.

"Should I call for reinforcements?" Kenspeckle frantically asked.

"No, they'd take too long, now fix her, quickly!" said Skulduggery, and he gently placed Valkyrie onto the operating table, and stepped back into the Teleporter.

He ran out of the barn, just in time to see Anton start dragging Saracen away. Anton was limping slightly, and was also bleeding heavily, but didn't look as bad as the others. He had resorted to dragging, as he simply was too tired to carry Saracen. Skulduggery wasted no time in running to Erskine, and hauled him over his shoulder, and sprinted to the barn once again.

Him and Anton knew that Dexter and Ghastly were two of the toughest of the group, so left them until the end.

They passed through the Teleporter, and laid Saracen and Erskine onto beds, and then rushed back for Ghastly and Dexter.

Anton was clearly tiring by this point, and struggled with Ghastly. Skulduggery ran to the barn carrying Dexter, just as a deafening explosion sounded behind him. He looked back and saw a large cloud of smoke on the path that he had just taken. There was no sign of Ghastly and Anton.

Cursing, he dragged Dexter through the Teleporter, and laid him on a bed. He ran back out into the barn, and searched desperately for the other two, but they were nowhere to be found.

A million schemes running through his head, he stepped back into the Teleporter and entered Kenspeckle's surgery again, just as he finished with Valkyrie.

She sat up and said weakly, "Where are the others?"

He hung his head. "I don't know," he said softly.

"Come here," she croaked. He obliged, and she pulled him in for a delicate hug. "It's not your fault."

Just then, two figures stepped through the Teleporter, dusted in soot.

"Lost something?" Ghastly grinned, then sat heavily on another bed, Anton following.

Skulduggery enveloped them both in a surprising hug, and went to ask Kenspeckle if there was anything he could do to help.

He glanced over at his companions. They were bleeding badly and were burnt all over, yet he knew they would make it. His friends.

His family.

**Just one of the Dead Men's many adventures :)**


	6. Mr Know-it-all

**Massive thanks to Valkyrie Smith for the idea! Also, I am so grateful for all of your reviews, and I'm glad that you are all enjoying my writing! Thanks!**

**Valkyrie's somewhere between 17 and 23 years old- your choice, but the story focuses mainly on Saracen.**

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><p><strong>Mr Know-it-all<strong>

"Umm, Saracen, shouldn't you be going?" asked Valkyrie. Her and the other Dead Men were lounging around in Ghastly's office, with nothing better to do. However, Saracen had a flight to America leaving in an hour, and it took half an hour to reach the airport, as well as all the time it took to check in and sort out baggage and board the plane. Therefore, it seemed to the others that if he didn't leave now, he would miss his flight.

"Nah, I've got plenty of time," he said cockily, and leaned back into the sofa.

"Uh, Saracen I _really_ think you should be going now," tried Erskine, but his friend would not be persuaded, and just shook his head.

"You'll miss your flight, and you know how much you paid for it in the first place..." said Dexter, but, again, Saracen didn't listen.

"Look, if I'm late, I'll just work my charm on the pretty air hostesses," said Saracen smugly, proud of himself that he'd come up with such a brilliant plan.

"I see one flaw in your plan," said Skulduggery.

"_One_ flaw!?" scoffed Anton.

"Okay, about two hundred flaws, but one main one," said Skulduggery.

"Which is...?" asked Saracen.

"If you're late, the plane will have already flown off, correct?"

"Yeah, I guess," said Saracen.

"Well, if the plane's already gone, that means the air hostesses will be gone, too. You won't have anyone to charm because they'll all be on the plane that's not actually there anymore- _basically, the plane will have left without you and there will be nothing you will be able to do about it_!" exclaimed Skulduggery.

"So if there's no air hostesses, I'll just charm the pretty ladies at the desk!" exclaimed Saracen, proud of his comeback, and completely missing Skulduggery's point.

"Saracen," began Anton, "I think you're missing the point. No matter who you charm, there will be no plane to get onto once you've charmed whoever you're going to charm, so there will be no point in charming anyone, no matter who you are planning on charming, even if they are charm-able, because the plane will have already gone so by charming someone who is incapable of stopping a plane that is already in flight, no matter how many people you have tried to charm or have actually been charmed, the plane will not come back for you!"

"Glad you're not making this needlessly complicated or anything," muttered Saracen.

"JUST GET ON THE PLANE, SARACEN!" they all yelled, then sat there glaring at him.

"But it's only-" he began, but was soon cut off.

"Plane," said Dexter firmly.

"But I-"

"Plane," Dexter repeated.

"Even th-"

"Plane."

"But the-"

"_Plane_."

"But-"

"PLANE."

"What if-"

"SARACEN JUST GET ON THE DAMN AIRPLANE!" yelled Ghastly, and with that, he bundled Saracen out of his office, and slammed the door.

"I'm not getting you any souvenirs, I hope you know," came Saracen's muffled voice. Ghastly kicked the door, and the voice soon shut up.

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><p>Nearly an hour later, Saracen trudged into Ghastly's office. Everyone was still there, having had nothing better to do.<p>

"Don't say anything," he began, after all eyes landed on him. "I missed the flight," he said quietly.

"Aww, but what happened about your grand scheme of charming people?" teased Erskine.

"The, uh, the person at the desk was a man. It didn't go down well," Saracen said, almost whispering with shame.

All that could be heard from outside Ghastly's office was insane laughter, and one embarrassed voice saying, "Shut _up_, guys!" over and over, and being ignored.


	7. Hurt part 1

**Thank you to Valkyrie Smith for the request, and to everyone else who has followed, read or reviewed! Thank you, it means alot!**

**This will be a 3 or 4 part story. Some things to note:**

**Val's 22**

**The fight at the end of 'Death Bringer' with Caelan, Fletcher and Valkyrie never happened; Valkyrie and Fletcher broke up a while ago, and Valkyrie's now dating Caelan, but it's all in secret.**

**Tanith's still possessed by a remnant**

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><p><strong>Hurt<strong>

"Valkyrie? You busy?" called Caelan from the living room of Gordon's mansion, where he now lived after moving in with Valkyrie, although no one knew- not even Echo Gordon, who hadn't been allowed out of his Echo Stone since the two began dating, as Caelan thought it would blow his cover.

"I'm coming," called Valkyrie. She was finishing up in the kitchen, by herself, as usual. Caelan was still hot and dangerous, but Valkyrie no longer liked it. He was too dangerous, and treated Valkyrie like a possession. He loved her, but his treatment of her was disgusting.

However, she could not tell anyone, because of the shame that it would bring with it- she was dating a vampire, and not even a very good one. Furthermore, she was being threatened- if she dared tell anyone about what Caelan had been doing to her and how he had been treating her, he would kill Alice, and Valkyrie knew he was more than capable of doing so.

Therefore, whenever Skulduggery asked how she was, and why she had cuts on her arms and bruises on her face, she would reply with a feeble, half-hearted excuse. Skulduggery, ever the detective, would always get suspicious, but knew not to invade Valkyrie's privacy, no matter how concerned he was for her. Valkyrie hadn't seen him now for two weeks; he claimed it was because of a lack of cases for them, but Valkyrie knew it was because he was giving her space, and a chance to move on if she wished, as she had become distant and cold towards everyone. _He probably thinks he's to blame_, thought Valkyrie. _He can't be further from the truth._

Valkyrie walked into the living room, where Caelan was lounging on the sofa, attempting to understand what Twilight was all about, mainly by staring dumbfounded at the television.

"What the _hell_ is this show about?" he muttered.

"Uh, did you want anything?" asked Valkyrie, wondering why she had been called.

"Oh, yeah, look I was thinking... we're moving to America."

"What!? _Why_?" questioned Valkyrie, who didn't want to leave for the USA, as that meant leaving her friends, her family, and, most importantly, Skulduggery.

"Don't question me! I said we're leaving, alright? So we're leaving," said Caelan angrily.

However, Valkyrie already knew why he wanted to leave. There were too many people here in Ireland that could help her; as in, help her against Caelan. And he was worried.

"I don't want to go," she said quietly.

"I don't care!" yelled Caelan.

"Well, you should," said Valkyrie, her anger boiling, "'cuz I'm not doing anything you tell me to any more. I'm sick of you- I hate you!" she screamed, and she meant every word of it. She no longer saw Caelan as attractive and amazing, she now saw him for the monster he truly was.

Valkyrie, realising what she had just said, bolted for the front door, but Caelan was too fast for her. He cornered her, and then grabbed her hair and hurled her face into the wall. She screamed in pain. Blood trickled down her face from a diagonal cross along her forehead.

"Now, we're going to America, aren't we...?" asked Caelan menacingly.

"Y-yes," stammered Valkyrie, and she then ran up to her room.

"Where are you going!?" bellowed Caelan.

"T-to pack," she replied hastily.

She slammed her bedroom door shut, and sank to her knees, allowing the tears to fall. She couldn't let Caelan get away with this abuse, she couldn't move to America and leave her friends and family, she couldn't let Caelan threaten Alice...

She rubbed her eyes, and climbed onto her bed, cuddling her pillow. She closed her eyes, and remembered Skulduggery, and the hugs he used to give her, and the way he always made her laugh, no matter how angry or upset or annoyed she was. She wished that he was there with her now, and they could go and beat the hell out of Caelan together.

But she had pushed him away when he tried to help. She missed him. She then realised that she adored him, she needed him... she loved him.

She couldn't leave him, or her family, to go to America. She just couldn't, especially when Alice's, and her own, life was in danger.

She was going to tell someone the truth.

**Part 2 up soon!**


	8. Hurt part 2

**Thanks for all the reviews; and a massive thank you to Valkyrie Smith for your continued support and your _amazing_ ideas, including this one! Thank you!**

**(To respond to Guest's review: Valkyrie's submissive because she's had months of emotional and physical torture, so she's sort of been worn down a little and her barriers have been broken.)**

**Bit of a short one, so part 3 will be up later today as well!**

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><p><strong>Hurt, Part 2:<strong>

By the time Valkyrie had arrived at the Sanctuary, it was almost 6pm. She had told Caelan that she was going to say goodbye to everyone, and he agreed that it would look suspicious if she just left without telling anybody.

She had treated the cut as best as she could, but there was still a painful scar along most of her forehead, which she knew Skulduggery would pick up on immediately. However, this time she didn't need any excuses; she could tell the truth about Caelan and what he'd been doing.

She walked through the Sanctuary doors, with a newfound confidence about her. She noticed people staring at her scar in what they thought was a discreet fashion, but she didn't mind. She couldn't afford to get sidetracked tonight.

She saw Tipstaff, and asked him where Skulduggery was, and was directed to a small office.

She entered, and saw Skulduggery sitting at a desk that was covered in papers. _So, he _did_ have a case_, she thought. At her entrance, he looked up, then dropped the pen he was holding. It clattered onto the desk. "_Valkyrie_?" he breathed. Valkyrie couldn't take it any more- she burst into tears, at the sight of her best friend after two weeks, two weeks of hell.

He instantly leapt up and walked quickly around the desk, and wrapped her in a hug, which she eagerly returned. "Oh, Skulduggery," she sobbed, unable to make out the words she needed to. Skulduggery stepped back slightly. "What happened?" he asked softly.

"I-I've been seeing Caelan for the past few months, but-" she began, but was soon cut off.

"What? The VAMPIRE? I WARNED YOU ABOUT HIM, _EVERYONE_ DID, BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN! WHERE IS HE? I'M GONNA-"

"SKULDUGGERY! WE'RE MOVING TO AMERICA!" Valkyrie yelled.

Skulduggery stepped back, and leaned against the desk. "What...?" he said softly. "Why...?"

"He's been hurting me," began Valkyrie, "and I think he's scared that he's gonna get found out, and be hurt by you, so he wants to leave."

Skulduggery stepped forward again, and tilted Valkyrie's head up gently. "He did this, didn't he?" he asked softly. "And all the cuts and bruises you had before. Why didn't you say anything?"

"He-he said he'd k-kill Alice," stammered Valkyrie, and Skulduggery's fists tightened.

"Using an innocent child as blackmail," he muttered.

"Skulduggery, he's gonna take me to America _forever_," Valkyrie repeated, tearfully.

Skulduggery looked up sharply. "No, no he can't," he said more to himself than to Valkyrie.

"So what do we do?" she asked, really hoping that Skulduggery would have some sort of plan.

Skulduggery didn't answer for a while, until, eventually, he said, "We kill him."


	9. Hurt part 3

**Part 3**

Valkyrie walked into the mansion. "I'm back," she called. She glanced in the living room, where Caelan was lounging on the couch still. She turned, and went into the kitchen, smiling to herself. _He won't know what's hit him._

The plan was for Valkyrie to go back in, and act as if everything was normal. This bit had been her idea, but Skulduggery had been reluctant to let her go back in case Caelan hurt her again. After ages of reassuring Skulduggery that she would be fine, and that she had had the lead role in her school productions since the age of 7, so knew how to act and act well, he agreed.

The next stage of the plan was that at precisely 2 minutes past 8pm, Skulduggery would knock on the door, facade activated, pretending to be a door-to-door salesman. He said that he had got the idea after being confronted by a particularly ineffective one, who had tried to get him to sign a petition. Valkyrie would conveniently be elsewhere, so Caelan would have to answer the door. Skulduggery would talk to Caelan, distracting him while Valkyrie came up behind him, and they would both simultaneously attack- Valkyrie with her shadows, and Skulduggery with his gun.

It all seemed so easy. _Too easy_, a voice in Valkyrie's head said, but she ignored it; she was so hopeful and so desperate for this to work. She looked out of the kitchen window at the moonlit sky, with a couple of stars dotted here and there. Luckily, Caelan made it a regular habit to take his serum every evening, so did not change into the monster that he was. _Not that it made a difference_, thought Valkyrie.

She glanced at the clock. One minute to go. Valkyrie quickly went into the bathroom. A few seconds later, someone knocked on the door.

Caelan, seeing that Valkyrie was in the bathroom, grudgingly went to open the front door. He would punish her for that later.

He opened the door, and a man in a fine suit, wearing a fedora, was standing there. He seemed young, with dark hair and green eyes. "Hello, sir," the stranger said warmly. "Can I interest you in some make up on this fine evening? Perhaps for a lady friend, or even for yourself? I can see that you're looking a little pale... Maybe some foundation would interest you?"

Valkyrie, for the first time in weeks, smiled. She could hear Skulduggery clearly, and knew that it was now her cue to enter the hallway.

Silently, she opened the bathroom door and crept down the hall, Caelan absolutely unaware of her presence. She summoned shadows into her hand, and went to stand inches behind Caelan. She raised her hand, discreetly so Caelan wouldn't notice, yet visible enough for Skulduggery, and held up three fingers. She lowered one, and then lowered another. Putting the final finger down, she attacked.

Her shadows burst into Caelan's back, and he went down. Skulduggery deactivated his facade and shot Caelan, once in each knee, so he couldn't get back up. However, he lunged for Valkyrie, and sank his teeth into her neck, before four more shots were heard and he went limp, blood spurting from his stomach.

Valkyrie staggered back and leaned against the wall. She was aware of Skulduggery coming towards her, and he peered at her neck. Her vision was slowly becoming clouded, and she soon blacked out.

Skulduggery gently carried Valkyrie to the Bentley, and placed her into the passenger seat, using air manipulation to close the front door of the mansion. He glanced over at Valkyrie, and saw that she was losing a lot of blood from a massive wound in her neck. She was pale, and her breathing was fast and ragged.

He got into the Bentley and sped to the Sanctuary, hoping he wasn't too late.

**Part 4 coming up!**


	10. Hurt part 4

**Sorry to keep you waiting! Wow, three updates in one day, you lucky readers! :P lol anyways, part 5 will be up tomorrow afternoon. Cliffhanger alert!**

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><p><strong>Part 4<strong>

Skulduggery sat down heavily in a chair outside Valkyrie's room. He had run into the Infirmary, and had threatened Nye to do everything it could to save her. He had stayed with Valkyrie for most of the surgery, not letting Nye out of his sight, but had been forced to wait outside after it became clear that her condition was worsening. He had yelled at Nye and its assistants to save her, and had eventually been thrown out.

He'd gone to Ghastly's office and had asked him to arrange for a clean up team at the mansion, to dispose of Caelan's body and clean up the mess. Ghastly had obliged, without asking questions. He knew that when Skulduggery was angry, he lashed out at _anyone_.

He rested his skull in his hands, sighing. He couldn't lose Valkyrie, not now. She had changed his life ever since that night, a decade ago, when she'd tagged along. And he was so glad that she did. He knew that without her, he would be... dead. Even more dead than he was now. Dead physically, as she had saved his life countless times, as he had hers. Dead mentally, as all those times that revenge had caught up with him, or his rage had surfaced, she had been there to calm him and comfort him, as he had with her. And, most importantly, dead emotionally. She was a ray of light in his dark soul, and he loved her. He knew that she would never love him back, but he didn't want to lose his best friend.

If she died, he wouldn't ever stop blaming himself; he had _known_ that something was wrong- heck, sometimes she showed up looking like she'd been run over, all bloody and bruised and battered, but he didn't pry, and that could have cost her her life.

All of a sudden, a panic rose in the room that Valkyrie was being treated in. Skulduggery strained to listen, to hear what was being said, but couldn't make out the words. However, there was one sound he heard loud and clear.

The single, monotonous beep of the heart monitor, indicating a flatline.

She was dead.


	11. Hurt part 5

**Final part is now up! The next story will be less dramatic :)**

**Part 5**

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><p>Skulduggery stormed into the surgery room, and ran up to Valkyrie's bed. She lay there, pale and unmoving, the sheets around her covered in blood. Her neck wound was healed, and a small scar remained, already fading, but this didn't matter. She was dead.<p>

He grabbed her hand, willing her to come back to life. She couldn't die now, she _couldn't_.

"Come on, Valkyrie, wake up! _Wake up_! VALKYRIE CAIN GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF THAT BED, WAKE UP! I LOVE YOU! WAKE UP! WAKE _UP_!" he yelled, but it was no use. His shoulders began shaking, and his heart lurched. He was crying, for the first time in over 400 years, in the only way a skeleton knew how.

He sunk to his knees and sobbed uncontrollably. "Detective Pleasant, all hope is not yet lost," said Nye, and it produced a seven pointed star, made of a thick metal and inscribed with dozens of delicate sigils. It was a Sunburst; a rare and magical piece of equipment, that acted as a defibrillator.

"It's not too late?" asked Skulduggery, his voice cracking. "Not yet," replied Nye.

It waved the other assistants outside, and approached Valkyrie. Skulduggery got to his feet, and sat on the bed next to her, clutching her hand tightly. "Please work," he whispered.

Nye placed the device on her chest and touched a sigil. Nothing happened. He tried again, but to no avail.

"COME ON!" roared Skulduggery. He grabbed the device from Nye's hands and did it himself.

The device lit up.

Valkyrie Cain opened her eyes and took a deep breath, and began coughing violently. Nye produced a clear solution for her to swallow, and when she did, she was able to sit up and the coughing had ceased.

Skulduggery wrapped her in a bone-crushing hug. "I thought I'd lost you," he murmured. He heard the door click shut, and knew that Nye had left the two of them alone.

"Is he dead?" asked Valkyrie. Skulduggery nodded, and she smiled. She was _free_, free to go back to Skulduggery, free from the mental oppression she had been facing.

"Thank you," she said, then hesitated. _It's now or never,_ she thought.

"Skulduggery, I know this may seem a bit rushed, and I guess the timing could be better, but I... I love you, " she said, saying the last part quietly, scared of his rejection.

She bowed her head, not able to face him. However, she was surprised when gloved fingers gently tilted her head back up. She gazed into his empty eye sockets. "Do you really mean that?" he asked softly, refusing to believe that this beautiful lady could love him... a skeleton.

"Yes," whispered Valkyrie, afraid her voice would crack. Skulduggery tapped his collarbones and his facade came up; a handsome man with black hair. He leaned forward, and tilted her head up. He pressed his forehead to hers, and stared into her dark eyes. "I love you, too, Valkyrie Cain."

He leaned in and kissed her gently, and she kissed him back. "I should get my throat torn out more often," she mused after pulling back slightly. "That can be arranged," grinned Skulduggery, and leaned in once more to kiss her.


	12. Four Syllables of Hell

"Skulduggery?" said Valkyrie. She was sitting in his living room, well, the main one, with Ghastly, Erskine and Fletcher. Skulduggery was there, naturally, and was reading a book.

"Yes?" he responded.

"Do you have a nickname?"

"No, and I don't want one," he said, hoping that that was the end of their conversation. The thought of someone shortening or even _changing_ his name... _preposterous_!

"But Skulduggery is such a _mouthful_!" she whined.

"Stop saying it, then," he said.

"She has a point," contributed Ghastly. "Do you know how much time we waste in a day simply saying your name? For instance, it takes about two valuable seconds to say your name clearly and unabridged, and we each say it around forty times a day, mainly because of all the annoying or immature or exasperating things you are always doing, so we waste eighty seconds a day saying your name, at _least_."

"So?" asked Skulduggery. "What can you do in eighty seconds?"

"Well," began Fletcher, "you can make toast, boil an egg, write a text message, call someone, go for a very quick sprint, do-"

"Have quick sex!" inputted Erskine. Everyone was silent for a minute, taking all these interesting possibilities in.

"The way I see it," said Skulduggery, "is that you all want me to shorten my name so you can have..." he trailed off.

"_NO_!" yelled Valkyrie, glaring at Erskine, who shrank back in his seat.

"Four syllables is too many to have. It's not as if you'd officially have your name changed," said Ghastly.

"Yeah, don't be such a drama-skeleton-queen," added Fletcher.

"Mmh... how about Skully?" mused Valkyrie.

"_God_, no," replied Skulduggery, distaste evident in his voice. The others all began inputting various suggestions, all of which made Skulduggery tilt his skull in a horrified manner.

"Dougie?" asked Fletcher.

"No."

"_Doggie_?" suggested Erskine.

Skulduggery stared at him for a few moments. "Seriously?"

"Plessy?" offered Ghastly.

"Ewww," he shuddered.

"Prezzy?" asked Valkyrie.

"You're still annoyed about that Christmas when I didn't give you your present, aren't you?"

"Sant?" suggested Fletcher.

"Add an 'i' and make it 'Saint'- it'll work wonders for my ego."

"Santa?" offered Valkyrie.

"Yup, you're still annoyed about that Christmas," confirmed Skulduggery.

"Dugg'ry?" said Erskine.

"I'm not some guy off the street with his trousers round his ankles and chains around his neck, thank you very much."

"Skull?" said Ghastly.

"I refuse to be named after the thing sitting on my spine."

"I like 'Skull'," said Valkyrie.

"Me too," agreed Erskine.

"Yeah, same here," said Fletcher.

"That settles it, then," said Ghastly. He stood up, and in an official, posh voice said, "Skulduggery Pleasant, by the power vested within me as Elder of the Irish Sanctuary, from this point forward, you are to be known as 'Skull'." He sat down.

Skulduggery just ignored them, _really_ hoping that the madness would be over soon. However, it only got worse, especially as they sensed Skulduggery's discomfort.

"So... _Skull_..."

"Nice weather we're having, eh, _Skull_?"

"Is that a new suit, _Skull_?"

"What book are you reading, _Skull_?"

"Your name's much shorter now, _Skull_."

"Is that a grin I see, _Skull_?"

"Have you washed the Bentley lately, _Skull_?"

"_Skull_?" they all chorused. "_Skull? Skull? Skull? Skull? Skull? Skull? Skull? Sku_-"

"_WHAT_?" roared Skulduggery, finally losing his temper.

"HAH! You answered to 'Skull'! You accept your new nickname!" cheered Valkyrie.

Skulduggery just sighed, and face palmed himself whilst muttering, "How... the _hell_... do I... put up... with... you... four?"


	13. Sanctuary Ball part 1

**All credit goes to Valkyrie Smith for suggesting the idea behind 'Hurt', and thanks to everyone who reviewed it and the last Drabble! Your feedback means everything to me, and it helps me to improve, so thank you!**

**Sykes Penchant: Thank you for the feedback; I'm currently using my IPad to write these chapters, and the spell check isn't great, so errors will pop up here and there. Thanks for letting me know; I've gone through most of the drabbles and I think I've found and corrected all the mistakes. Also, thanks for your Chinduggery request; I personally don't ship it, but I'll see what I can do :)**

**Guest: Lol, I haven't met anyone who has a fear of penguins, maybe I could put that in a Drabble somehow... ;)**

**So, this is for those of you who wanted some more Valduggery... :)**

**Val's 24**

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><p>Skulduggery glanced at his pocket watch. It was nearly seven o'clock, and it looked like him and Valkyrie were going to be late to the Sanctuary Ball.<p>

It was being held simply because Grand Mage Ravel and Elder Bespoke were, for want of a better term, bored. Their daily activities consisted of paperwork, paperwork and, yup, _paperwork_. If they were lucky, they'd get to use the official Sanctuary seal stamp- but only on a good day. Otherwise, it was signature after signature, until midnight, at which point they'd take off their itchy robes, rub their red skin and attempt to drive home, only to repeat the cycle in the morning.

Basically, they needed entertainment.

Therefore, Erskine had suggested a ball, and the excuse they needed had come when Darquesse was defeated, Lord Vile had vanished, and Madame Mist had been killed, although they hadn't mentioned the last one as they were meant to be good friends with her.

This was why Skulduggery was stood waiting for Valkyrie at the foot of the stairs, like he had been for the past half an hour. She was taking an immensely long time to get ready. He was dressed in a black tuxedo with tails, and a crisp white shirt, matched with a black bow tie. His hat was also black, but with a dark purple band around the centre.

_The last time I even saw her in a dress_, thought Skulduggery, _was at the Requiem Ball._ He honestly didn't know what to expect Valkyrie to look like.

But he certainly didn't expect the goddess that elegantly descended the stairs.

Valkyrie was in a floor length gown, which clung to her slim, curvy figure, and emphasised every movement. It was strapless, and had a row of silver beads embedded along the hemline. It was of a deep blue, so dark that any darker would have resulted in black. A thin belt, also silver, ran along the middle, contrasting both the dress and her dark hair, which was curled slightly, and rested at her shoulders. Her makeup consisted of deep red lipstick, and her eyes were outlined with eyeliner and mascara, and had a light brush of gold eyeshadow on top.

She wore no jewellery, but as she came down the steps, Skulduggery noticed that she held a necklace in her hand. It was a silver jewelled skull on a silver chain, which Skulduggery had bought for her a few years ago for her birthday.

He snapped out of his trance, and offered the goddess his hand as she descended the last few steps. She smiled a beautiful smile, and Skulduggery knew that his heart would be bursting out of his chest if he had one. "You look beautiful."

"Could you..." she trailed off, and held up the necklace.

Wordlessly, Skulduggery took it and moved so he was facing her back. He gently swept her hair out of the way, his gloved fingers lingering slightly on the bare skin of her back. He felt her shiver. He clasped the necklace around her neck, and stepped back. She turned.

"Thank you," Valkyrie said. She smiled, "So, are we going or what?"

"After you, my lady," said Skulduggery, holding the door open for her, then following her outside. He got her car door for her as well and soon they were inside and on their way to the Sanctuary.

Nearly twenty minutes later, they arrived. They went straight in and headed for the ballroom.

Ten minutes late, Skulduggery thought to himself, but strangely he didn't mind- all that was on his mind was Valkyrie Cain.

_I must tell her tonight, before she finds someone else_, he thought.

Similarly, Valkyrie was just thinking about Skulduggery, about how dashing he looked tonight, no, always. About how he was...perfect. He knew her inside out, he was always there for her, he was her best friend... But maybe soon he would be something more...

_I have to tell him tonight_, she thought.

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><p><strong>Part 2 up soon!<strong>


	14. Sanctuary Ball part 2

**Please let me know if there are any requests you have, or any ideas for more drabbles. I'll try and get to them as soon as possible.**

**Some replies to reviews:**

**JellyfishSisters: Thanks so much for your encouragement! I'm glad that you like the stories; they _are _pretty crazy, aren't they :D**

**iriskary: Wow, I _love _that idea! Lol imagine Skulduggery stuck in a confined space with two hungry whiny teenagers... I'll get onto it as soon as I can, and thanks for the idea!**

**Valkyrie Smith: Thank you for your continued support, and all of your ideas and amazing encouragement; it means a lot to me, so thank you! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story :)**

**Guest: It's a combination of all of those, to be honest ;) also, thanks for your feedback!**

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><p><strong>Part 2<strong>

They pushed open the large wooden double doors and stepped into the hall. It had been transformed into an elegant ballroom, and Valkyrie could already see many couples on the dance floor. Skulduggery led her to a corner on the right of the hall, where she saw Ghastly and Erskine talking, looking happier than they had been in weeks. They saw them approaching, and smiled.

Ghastly enveloped Valkyrie in a hug. "Glad you could make it," he grinned. "This beats paperwork any day."

Erskine hugged Valkyrie warmly, and kissed her cheek. "You look amazing, Val. Wanna dance?" he asked flirtatiously. Valkyrie nodded, and was whisked off onto the dance floor by Erskine, giving Skulduggery a quick wave.

Erskine placed his hands on her waist, and she held his shoulders. "Thank God it's a slow song," said Valkyrie, relieved, "'cause that's the only thing I can dance to."

"And you're doing pretty well," commented Erskine with a grin. It was true- the couple had elegantly waltzed their way around the ball, and Valkyrie could see others watching them with envy. However, she also saw Skulduggery talking to Ghastly in what appeared to be quite an intense conversation. Ghastly was laughing at something that Skulduggery had said, whereas Skulduggery was looking quite uncomfortable- his simple skull tilts always did reveal a lot to Valkyrie.

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><p>"Ghastly, I am <em>not<em> jealous," Skulduggery insisted. Ghastly roared with laughter, like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard.

"Look at yourself! You've been glaring at Val and Erskine for the past five minutes! You, my friend, are jealous. Just tell her!"

"No! No _way_, Bespoke. I don't want to ruin our friendship..."

"Is that the best reason you got?!" asked Ghastly. "I can guarantee you that she feels the same way, Skul, just tell her."

"Don't call me Skul," muttered Skulduggery.

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><p>The song ended and Erskine led her back to Ghastly and Skulduggery. "As lovely as that was, I unfortunately need to speak to those ugly looking people who have just come in. I believe they are here to crash yet another party," Erskine said. He gave Valkyrie another kiss on the cheek, and walked off to where Arthur Dagan and Hansard Kray were standing, with a massive group of similar looking people.<p>

Ghastly saw them, too. "Oh God, this time he's brought the whole family," he groaned. Valkyrie laughed, and watched as Ghastly reluctantly went to join Erskine, and together they trudged towards the gathering. The crowd swallowed them, and Valkyrie turned back to Skulduggery.

"What's up?" she asked, as he was just staring at her.

_She looks so beautiful_, he thought. _Should I ask her for a dance? She seemed energetic with Erskine, so she probably won't mind going again..._

Feeling quite unnerved, she clicked her fingers in front of his face. Skulduggery snapped out of his trance.

"Are you alright?" she asked, softly.

"Yes, thank you. Would you like to-" Skulduggery had just mustered up enough courage to ask the beauty if she wanted to dance, when, only one word away, he had been interrupted by the arrival of two grinning idiots.

"Skully! Val!" grinned Saracen Rue. "Don't call me that..." muttered Skulduggery.

Saracen shook his hand warmly, whilst Dexter Vex wrapped Valkyrie in a hug. "How's he been treating you?" he teased. "Oh, you know, I just take each day as it comes," replied Valkyrie, laughing.

Dexter turned to greet Skulduggery, as Saracen turned to her. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "You look stunning," he said.

Dexter turned to Skulduggery, and was about to say something when he noticed Skulduggery's gloved hands clenched, and his skull pointed somewhere behind Dexter.

Dexter glanced behind himself, and saw Saracen kissing Valkyrie's hand. Turning back to Skulduggery, he said, mischievously, "Awww, is the great Skeleton Detective jealous?"

Skulduggery's skull snapped towards Dexter. "What?"

"Oh, Skulduggery, I thought you were too sophisticated to let love cloud your vision," said Dexter in a posh voice.

"Oh, shut up, Vex," muttered Skulduggery.

They turned back to the other two. "May I have this dance?" asked Saracen.

"Of course," replied Valkyrie, and they walked off to where the other dancers were.

"Just tell her," said Dexter, "before it's too late," and he walked off to help Erskine and Ghastly, now joined by Anton, try and get rid of Arthur Dagan's million relatives. By the looks of things, they weren't doing very well.

Skulduggery looked towards Valkyrie and Saracen. The music had picked up tempo, so Saracen was leading her in a salsa. She looked... _divine_. Skulduggery hadn't known that she could dance that well. He watched, seething, as Saracen grinded up against her, clutching her waist, his hands slipping lower occasionally. He dipped her low, and her hair swept the floor.

_It's time_, he thought.

He stalked up towards Saracen and Valkyrie, and tapped her shoulder. She spun and smiled at him. "May I steal her from you, Saracen?" asked Skulduggery. Saracen looked annoyed, but nodded, and went to join the others with Arthur Dagan, who, along with his extensive family, now looked rather drunk- they looked like a drunken army of... _toads_, and were clearly unwanted, yet refusing to leave. Arthur was wobbling his obese body around in a way that he thought was in time with the music, but very clearly wasn't. Hansard was trying to drag him out, along with Ghastly, Erskine, Anton, Dexter and now Saracen, but with no luck.

Skulduggery took Valkyrie's hand and they walked elegantly to the dance area. He put his hands on her waist, and she put her hands on his shoulders, assuming the same stance that she had with Erskine now that the music had slowed down once more. She relaxed into him as they swayed, and rested her head on his chest. _Now or never_, she thought.

"Skulduggery," she said, at the same time that he said "Valkyrie". They chuckled. "You first," said Skulduggery.

Valkyrie pulled away slightly and looked up into his eye sockets. "Skulduggery, I..."

Just then, a loud shout was heard behind her. Cursing, Valkyrie turned and saw Erskine Ravel clutching his jaw, blood coming out of his mouth. Arthur was grinning triumphantly, shaking off his wrist.

Dexter tried to hold Arthur down, but the obese blob was too much for him alone, so Anton and Saracen came to help, and even then they could only just overcome him. Cleavers swarmed the massive family, and they were forced out, all piling back into the four coaches that they had arrived in. Hansard muttered an apology for his father's attack on the Grand Mage, and dragged his father outside.

Valkyrie had never laughed harder.

When she had composed herself, she realised what she had been doing before the interruption, and turned back to Skulduggery, who's skull seemed to be tilted in amusement.

"Skulduggery," she resumed. "I...I know that this will change things between us, but... I love you..." she trailed off, suddenly realising how awkward it would be in a few seconds when he gave the whole 'I love you as a friend' speech.

She was not expecting the soft lips that touched hers, and the deep kiss that was initiated. When they broke off, she looked up in surprise to Skulduggery's grinning facade.

"I love you, too," he said, and leaned in for another kiss.

* * *

><p>Somewhere in the night, the Dagan clan were plotting their revenge... whilst violently vomiting up the alcoholic contents of their obese stomachs.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Does anyone want a story about the Dagans' revenge?<strong>


	15. Hayfever

**I'm looking forward to writing about the Dagans' revenge! Thank you for your enthusiasm towards it! Also, thanks to '****Guest'- you've given me an amazing idea for that Drabble...**

**Massive thanks to Valkyrie Smith for suggesting this idea!**

**Val's 17**

* * *

><p>"ATCHOO!" sneezed Valkyrie for the millionth time.<p>

Her and Skulduggery were in a massive, flowery meadow, looking for clues in their latest case. It was about _flowers_- apparently rare magical flower seeds were mixed up with normal flower seeds, and they now had to search the entire meadow to find the ones that were magical before any creatures fed from them. To aid them, they had been given a "Magic Flower Detector Thing" by Gracious and Donegan, who had claimed that it would "start beeping noisily and annoyingly when you're near them, but it might not beep, it might just vibrate, or it could start whirring, or maybe it will even fall apart...". There was just one problem.

Valkyrie Cain had hayfever.

No matter how hard she tried to stop the incessant sneezes, she failed, and every few minutes she would let loose a massive ATCHOO!, and then would grumble about "stupid flowers, stupid Sanctuary, stupid nature, stupid trees, stupid leaves, stupid plants, stupid, stupid, _stupid_ Skulduggery for accepting the stupid case about stupid flowers from the stupid Sanctuary."

And Skulduggery, as annoying as ever, would simply say, "Bless you."

However, this time, when Valkyrie sneezed, before she even had the chance to start complaining, her eyes watered up and her vision became blurred. The pollen was having a bad reaction with her eyes, and she was now struggling to see.

"Are you alright, Valkyrie?" asked Skulduggery, who was trying very hard to keep the humour out of his voice. The reason he had asked was because Valkyrie was now walking in a zig zag, furiously rubbing her eyes.

"Yes, just fine thank you," she said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, by the way, watch out for that-"

SPLAT!

Valkyrie tripped and landed in a cow pat.

"...cow pat," Skulduggery finished.

However, he could not contain his laughter, and soon burst out laughing at the sight of Valkyrie sitting on a cow pat cross legged, covered in mud, with flowers sticking out of her hair, and with a look on her face that could kill... if she didn't look so silly.

Skulduggery was now laughing so hard that he didn't see Valkyrie get up and manipulate the air around the (now squashed) cow pat, so that it flew into Skulduggery's skull.

He abruptly stopped laughing, and shook off the cow pat that he was now covered in.

"Oh, you're gonna regret that, Cain," he snarled. He raised his hand towards Valkyrie and was about to manipulate the air when the device (in that same hand) suddenly started beeping.

They stared at each other.

"Well, at least it works..." Valkyrie muttered.

Skulduggery moved the device around him, trying to determine the location of the flowers. He moved it left, and it stopped beeping. Behind him, to the right, and directly below him also all resulted in no beep. He tilted his head, and pointed it at Valkyrie's hair, where an abundance of flowers were entangled in it.

The device beeped.

"Valkyrie, it seems that we have found our flowers," he said. "However... we're going to have to pick them out of your hair... And the cow pat that's also on it."

"WHAT?" yelled Valkyrie. "But that will take _ages_!"

"Well, we'd better get started then."

And with that, Skulduggery walked over to Valkyrie and started picking the flowers out of her hair.

One was tangled badly, and every time Skulduggery tried to move it, Valkyrie would scream and once again start shouting about how stupid everyone and everything was.

_This_, thought Skulduggery, _is going to be a looooong day_.


	16. Two Hungry Teenagers

**Thanks to Valkyrie Smith and Sykes Penchant for the reviews!**

**This story is for the people who wanted a follow-up to 'Hungry Teenager'. It was my first ever Drabble, so your love of it literally swells my heart- thank you! I only hope this lives up to expectations!**

**Thanks to iriskary for the suggestion, and to 'Guest' for an idea which is used within it. **

**Val's 15**

* * *

><p>"Ahhh... Isn't this just a thing of <em>beauty<em>?" asked Skulduggery, completely in awe.

He was in awe of a door.

He was showing Valkyrie and Fletcher the Sanctuary's new self-locking doors, which were meant to heighten security. They were currently in an interrogation room, and Valkyrie was sitting on the table, Fletcher was seated on a chair, and Skulduggery was in the doorway, metaphorically drooling over the state of the new door.

It was, in his own words, _glorious_.

"Just look at this," he said, proceeding to demonstrate the new door. He stepped inside the interrogation room, and shut the door behind him. It locked with a soft _click_.

"See? Isn't it _marvellous_?"

"Skulduggery," began Valkyrie, deathly quiet, "please tell me you didn't just lock the door..."

"Ah, but I didn't!" replied Skulduggery, completely missing the point. "It locked _itself_! That's why it's so _cool_!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" she yelled, going to stand in front of Skulduggery. "Do you have the key?" she asked, in an over exaggerated calm voice.

"Of course I do- in fact, I put it in the keyhole so I wouldn't forget it!" exclaimed Skulduggery smugly, and he turned to the _empty_ keyhole.

"Oh, I may have put the key in the _other_ side of the keyhole," he said, and laughed nervously, but instantly shut up after receiving an ultra mega death glare from Valkyrie.

"Don't worry," said Fletcher cockily. "I'll just teleport us all out of here, and-"

"_THESE ROOMS BIND YOUR POWERS YOU IDIOT- WE'RE TRAPPED HERE_!" interrupted Valkyrie.

"What?" said Fletcher. "You mean I'm stuck in here with you two? AND NO HAIRSPRAY?!"

Skulduggery sighed, really hoping that someone would notice they were missing _sooner_ rather than later.

* * *

><p>Valkyrie's stomach rumbled. So far, they had been down there for three hours, and they had consisted of Fletcher moaning, Skulduggery telling him to shut up and man up, the two of them arguing, and Valkyrie having to step in to calm things down back to silence. And then the cycle would start up again two minutes later.<p>

However, this time, a new problem was added to the mix. Valkyrie was hungry.

"I'm hungry," she whined.

"Okay," replied Skulduggery. Fletcher remained silent, still sulking from the last argument.

"What are you gonna do about it?" asked Valkyrie.

"Nothing," said Skulduggery.

"Don't you have food?"

"No. It may have escaped your attention, but I am a skeleton, with no means of eating. I don't carry food."

"But I'm _hungry_!"

"I'm hungry, too," Fletcher piped in, clutching his stomach.

"We're hungry!" they chorused, in an annoying, whiny voice.

"Well, there's nothing to eat, so you're just gonna have to lump it," said Skulduggery, really not bothered to give a proper answer, or rack his brilliant brain for a suitable solution.

"_We're hungry_," they continued to chorus.

"Oh, shut up!" said Skulduggery, annoyed. It was bad enough that he had to spend hours on end with them in a confined space, but now they were _hungry_? This was too much!

"No!" yelled Valkyrie.

"Eat the chair, if you're so hungry!" retorted Skulduggery.

"No!"

"Table?"

"No!"

"Your clothes!"

"No!"

"Oh, just shut up and swallow your saliva," said Skulduggery, now _seriously_ annoyed.

"NO!" Valkyrie shouted.

"And stop saying no!"

"_NO_!"

"_Please_, shut up," said Skulduggery, getting a headache, though how that was possible, he had no idea.

"NO! _NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!_"

"WELL JUST GO EAT FLETCHER, THEN!" yelled Skulduggery, annoyed.

Valkyrie's head swivelled slowly towards Fletcher, and a manic grin spread across her face. She turned to him, and began stalking towards him.

"Now, Valkyrie," began Fletcher, "I'm hungry, too. You can't eat _me_," he stammered.

She continued advancing on him.

"I-I'm too weak, I have no muscles! I'm too small! I haven't combed my hair! I'm the last Teleporter! You can't eat me, I'm not healthy! I'm too sweet! _I've got a life to live_!"

Fletcher continued to plead, whilst Skulduggery watched on in amusement. By now, Valkyrie had nearly reached Fletcher. All of a sudden, she gave a manic cry and leapt on him, half yelling, half growling '_Food_!'

Just then, the door was booted open by Tanith Low. "_Where is he_?" she yelled.

Valkyrie got off Fletcher guiltily, and Fletcher stood up and dusted himself off, trying in vain to fix his hair.

"Here I am," he said.

Tanith looked confused. "Not you... the attacker... Wait, what _are_ you doing in here?"

"You thought we were being attacked?" asked Skulduggery, humour in his voice.

"Last I heard, you were locked in this room, possibly by an enemy agent. But... I don't get it..."

"It's a long story, Tanith," sighed Skulduggery.

"I've got time," replied Tanith, and she stepped forwards into the room...

...allowing the door to slam shut and lock behind her.

"_TANITH_!" they all yelled, whilst Tanith just stood there, bewildered and confused.

"I'm still _hungry_," said Fletcher, and Skulduggery began banging his head on the wall repeatedly.


	17. Return of the Dagan Clan

**Here it is! The return of the obese blobs!**

**I think that I might write a couple more drabbles involving the Dagans, as they're so... Hilarious. However, I'll need a few ideas, if possible?**

**Also, if anyone has any other Drabble ideas, please let me know- I hear the pitter patter of the feet of writer's block...**

**hope you all enjoy!**

**(also, thanks for your feedback on the last chapter, glad you enjoyed it! I laughed like mad when writing it)**

* * *

><p>"Is everyone clear on the plan?" Arthur Dagan asked his fellow family members. They had congregated at an abandoned building near the Sanctuary, and had just finished plotting their revenge on the whole of the magical community of Ireland- <em>especially<em> Ravel, Bespoke, Cain, Pleasant and their little gang of criminals.

"I have a few questions," began Doris Dagan, Arthur's proud mother. Like Arthur, she was overweight. Drastically. She could not fit in the car, so had been strapped to the roof, having to be readjusted when she kept slipping down onto the bonnet, which caused Arthur to swerve violently, jolting Doris left and right. That was until Hansard had had the idea to use metal hooks to hold down the rope, instead of paper clips. Once that was sorted, they had made it to the warehouse, in just about one piece. Luckily for Doris, it hadn't been raining.

"You _always_ have questions," scoffed Hugo Dagan, Arthur's younger brother. He, too, was obese, but was _proud_ of it, wearing as few clothes as possible in order to show off his extra flesh. Today, for instance, he was dressed in shorts, a white vest and flip flops.

"Shut up, Hugo," said Doris. "Firstly, how will we get into Ravel's office?"

"How do you think? Through the front door!" said Lager Dagan, Arthur's uncle, and he began roaring with laughter. The other twenty nine blobs joined in, as if this was the funniest thing they had ever heard. Their massive stomachs trembled as laughter shook their bodies, and their frog-like heads bobbed up and down. Eventually, they calmed.

Doris was now blushing, and looked like a massive red tomato. "It was a bloody good question," she muttered.

Arthur wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. "Yes, yes it was... For a _numbskull_!"

At this, the whole room started wobbling their bloated stomachs as laughter overtook them once more. Hansard Kray, who was standing alone off to the side of the room, watched his extended family with disgust (extended in more than one way). They managed to compose themselves again, and Doris continued talking.

"Alright, so supposing we actually get as far as the office. What then?"

"What do you think, you ninny?! We're gonna storm the office!" roared Arthur triumphantly, a chorus of similar, more throaty, roars accompanying it.

Hansard looked at the group of... he didn't even know _what_ they were. They were just walking lumps of fat, that were now, for some _stupid_ reason, _roaring_.

All of a sudden, at some hidden command that Hansard missed, they turned and wobbled out of the door. _Maybe it's a secret command that only obese people understand,_ reasoned Hansard. He, too, walked out the door, but went in the opposite direction to his family. No way was _he_ going to get mixed up in this!

Anyone walking down the street that night would see a massive group of massive people, roaring at the top of their massive lungs, taking massive strides to get to whatever their destination was. They moved as one, and slid down the street like an obese worm, with large, fat, pink flesh drenched in sweat. Walking this far for the Dagan clan was _torture_. And how far had they walked? Less than fifty metres.

They eventually reached the Sanctuary, and paused a minute to catch their smelly breath. However, upon Arthur's war cry, they burst through the doors with a newfound strength.

The cleavers on duty didn't know _what_ was happening; all of a sudden, sweaty pink blobs were charging at them, and they barely had time to turn before they were smothered and squashed, trampled by the stampeding herd. Grinning, yet sweating like _pigs_, which was actually quite accurate, they turned down the corridor for Ravel's office.

* * *

><p>"Can you hear something?" asked Skulduggery, cocking his skull to one side. He was sitting in Erskine's office, with Erskine, Valkyrie and Ghastly.<p>

"No," replied Valkyrie. "Actually, wait... Yeah... It sounds like thunder."

It was true; there was a deep rumbling sound coming from elsewhere in the Sanctuary.

"It's getting louder," observed Erskine.

"What _is_ it?" wondered Ghastly.

By now, the rumble was a deafening roar. Skulduggery got up and began feeling the walls. "It's not an earthquake, but it has the ferocity of one." He moved back to the desk. "The vibrations are _enormous_. Whatever it is, it's deadly. It's dangerous. It's-"

The door to the office burst open. Standing in the doorway were what looked like pigs. The pigs stood on two legs, and one of them was even in shorts. Their faces were drenched in sweat, which dripped off them in large drops. They were panting, and breathing heavily, looking like they were about to pass out.

It took them a while to realise that they were looking into the eyes of Arthur and his family.

"-Dagan," finished Skulduggery.

"Prepare... to... meet thy... doom..." panted Arthur, clutching his stomach.

"Uh," said Valkyrie.

"_Heathens_!" screeched the pig-man in shorts. Skulduggery turned to him. "Excuse me?"

"_You will worship the Faceless Ones!_" he shrieked, dangerously high-pitched.

"Could you get out, please?" asked Erskine, who couldn't be bothered to deal with this after a whole day of non-stop paperwork.

"You will not talk to me like that!" yelled Arthur.

"Oh my God, listen to yourselves! Could you get your fat arses out of here?" said Valkyrie, remembering what Arthur had said to her previously at the Requiem Ball, and also getting annoyed at their stupidity. And grossness.

"Oh, if it isn't the god-killer," sneered someone who looked exactly like Arthur, but with dark hair.

"In case you haven't noticed," retorted Valkyrie, "I didn't kill the Faceless Ones. The Ancients did, and I'm only descended from them, idiot."

"What about Aranmore? You murdered two of them!" roared a slightly younger, slightly fatter version of Arthur.

"At least get your facts right! I killed _none_- the _Sceptre_ killed one, and the other killed _itself_ when it broke the crystal."

"Liar!" yelled Arthur.

"Fatty!" roared Valkyrie, now getting seriously annoyed, and struggling to maintain control.

"I'm not fat! I just have a higher bone to skin ratio," said Arthur stubbornly.

"Ever tried a diet?"

"Valkyrie..." warned Ghastly, as it was clear that she was getting a bit carried away.

"Yes, actually," retorted Arthur. "But I gave it up- I lost eight pounds once, and nobody noticed."

"If the gods wanted us to go on diets, they would have given us willpower," inputted another blob from the back of the group.

"Excuses, excuses," muttered Skulduggery. Arthur's beady eyes darted towards him.

"_Excuse me?_" he said. "At least we're not skinny as skeletons!"

"That's because I _am_ a skeleton..." said Skulduggery.

"It's not my fault the gods blessed me with a healthy appetite," said Arthur.

"A little _too_ healthy," muttered Ghastly.

"You're so fat that you can't see your feet without sitting down!" yelled Erskine, now _really_ annoyed. He just wanted these losers to get out of his office- today was the only day in the whole month he got to finish early, and his shift ended over ten minutes ago. He was _not_ impressed.

"You're so dumb, you cut open a pineapple and said, 'Where's Spongebob?'" said Arthur, retorting confidently.

"How do you know?" gasped Erskine, confused.

"You're so fat, a picture of you would fall off the wall!" yelled Valkyrie, ready for a fight. Why couldn't they just _leave_?

"You're so stupid, it takes you an hour to cook minute rice!" said Arthur triumphantly.

"Well, you would know, fatso!" roared Valkyrie. Ghastly was trying to calm her down, but to no avail, so he just stepped back and sat on Erskine's desk like Skulduggery, and the pair watched the show with amusement.

"Also," continued Valkyrie, "your mum's so fat, her yearbook photo was taken by a _satellite_!"

Suddenly, a large woman stepped out of the crowd of Dagans. "You dare make fun of me, child?" she asked, menacingly.

However, Valkyrie just couldn't take her seriously. She was in a pink dress, that hugged all the wrong places, and really didn't do much to compliment her extra weight. In fact, looking closer, Valkyrie saw that it was in fact multiple curtains sewn together rather carelessly. Her pudgy arms and legs stuck out like raw sausages, but her face... her face was _hideous_. She had a few dozen chins protruding from under her fat lips, which sat underneath a fat nose, which was in-between two beady eyes. Her cheeks looked like they had been pumped up, and were, along with her forehead, covered in sweat. Oh, that sweat, that sloppy, grimy sweat, dripped off her and onto her clothes.

Valkyrie burst out laughing.

"This... is your... _mother_?" she wheezed, gasping for air. She hadn't laughed this hard since the Sanctuary Ball, when the Dagans had invaded the event.

She finally composed herself, only to take one look at Erskine's annoyed face, and started laughing uncontrollably again.

Ghastly and Skulduggery, now getting over the initial shock of the sight of Doris Dagan, began laughing, too, and soon Erskine was standing in between three laughing lunatics, and three hundred sweating pigs.

"I told you it wouldn't work," muttered Doris, and she led the way out of the office, and back down to the apartment.

"One day," warned Arthur, "you _will_ take us seriously..." And with that, he left the room, turning sideways to fit through the doors. The double doors.

Erskine muttered a goodbye to the hyenas, and left the room after the Dagans, itching to get past them. However, they had blocked the corridor with their immense size, and were walking so _slowly_. Erskine grumbled to himself. They were taking the only route to the front doors of the Sanctuary, so he had no choice but to just go with the obese flow.

* * *

><p>Pretty soon, there was a massive queue of Sanctuary officials in the corridors, as the million Dagans had blocked the network of corridors in the Sanctuary. No one could get through; they could only join the surge as it painstakingly slowly moved, millimetre by millimetre, closer to the exit.<p> 


	18. Shameless

**Thanks for the support and the reviews! Glad you liked the last chapter(s)!**

**Lightening Sparks: hi, I appreciate that not everyone ships Valduggery, and that's totally fine; please let me know what pairings, if any, you'd like to see! I won't do too many pairings, I'll do more humorous random stuff, but I will write Valduggery occasionally, as well as any other pairings that you, and other readers, want to see. Please let me know!**

**Bit of a random one, thank you to Valkyrie Smith for suggesting the scenario!**

**I'll have a special Christmassy Drabble up on the 25th, just to let anyone who's interested know.**

**Val's 17 or 18, your choice**

* * *

><p>Valkyrie hated maths. As in, <em>really<em> hated it. So why she was being forced to listen to a lecture on some sort of pie, and a couple of other random things? She sighed. _Skulduggery_ was why.

She, _apparently_, needed to spend more time with people her own age, and needed to go to school to do this. Valkyrie argued that actually she spent a_ lot_ of time with people who had the same _mentality_ as her, such as Tanith. Or Erskine.

"Stephanie, can you answer the question, please?" said her teacher, Mr Keegan. He was in his mid thirties, and had a strange obsession with both maths, and picking on Valkyrie.

"Uh, could you _repeat_ the question?" asked Valkyrie. She _really_ needed to learn how to stay awake.

He sighed irritably. "I said, Stephanie, explain to the class what a 'remainder' is."

"Isn't that what pulls Santa's sleigh?" she asked, then blushed as the class laughed.

Mr Keegan looked like he wanted to hang himself. All the time he had spent teaching this girl, and she didn't know the difference between a _remainder_ and a_ reindeer_...

"Thank you, Stephanie. Unfortunately that is _not_ the answer I am looking for. Does anyone know the _right_ answer?" Valkyrie's eyes scanned the class. Practically everyone had their hand up. She shrank into her seat.

"Hannah?" said Mr Keegan.

"A remainder is the number that's left over in a division," Hannah said confidently.

"Perfect!" beamed Mr Keegan. There was _some_ hope for this class yet. He tried again with Stephanie, deciding to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"Stephanie, maybe you could answer _this_ one. Jack had fifty sweets. He ate nine tenths of them. What does he have now?"

Valkyrie thought hard about this one. She ran through it three times in her head, and when she was sure that she had the right answer, she spoke. "Diabetes," she said proudly.

The class erupted into fits of laughter. Mr Keegan just looked at her.

Just then, there was a knock on the classroom door, and the school secretary came in and said something quietly to Mr Keegan. He looked relieved, and turned to the class.

"Stephanie, please make your way to the office. A 'Mr Pleasant' is waiting for you," he said.

Valkyrie quickly packed her things away and left the classroom, and walked down to the office with the secretary. She was confused- Skulduggery had spent_ hours_ persuading her to go to school, and now he was taking her out of it? She would never understand that skeleton.

She saw Skulduggery immediately, facade up, and in a suit, as usual. He smiled at the secretary, and led Valkyrie out of the building and across the playground towards the car park. They got into the Bentley, and drove away.

"What's all this about?" asked Valkyrie.

"There's an urgent meeting about to commence in the Sanctuary, about how to deal with the interfering sanctuaries around the globe," Skulduggery explained. "Ghastly and Erskine have insisted that the both of us attend."

Valkyrie grinned, and hoped that these meetings would become a regular occurrence. She liked the thought of missing more school.

"I told you I shouldn't go to school," she said. Skulduggery sighed, and just piled on the speed. Just then, a thought occurred to Valkyrie.

"I'm in my school uniform," she realised, and looked down at herself. She was in a short-sleeved white shirt with a black blazer on top, and a navy blue and red striped school tie. Due to the warm weather, she had a skirt on. As in, a short skirt. A_ short_ short skirt. And no tights. Or socks. Just simple black shoes. And a short skirt.

"And very nice you look, too," said Skulduggery. He glanced over at her, and saw that she was crossing her legs, trying hard not to show too much flesh.

"Ah," he said. "I see your point."

"I am _not_ going to the Sanctuary dressed like _this_," she complained. She let her dark hair out of her ponytail, and allowed it to tumble over her shoulders.

"Well, it's too late to go back, the meeting will start soon. Don't worry, I'm sure no one will notice," Skulduggery reassured, and they drove on.

* * *

><p>They arrived at the Sanctuary five minutes after the meeting began. They rushed through the Sanctuary, Valkyrie desperately grabbing at the hem of her skirt, ensuring that it didn't fly away. She noticed a few male sorcerers stare at her, or rather, her legs, well, <em>thighs<em>, but she ignored them and hurried after Skulduggery.

They finally made it to the conference room, and entered through the doors. Erskine Ravel glanced up at their entrance, then looked back down at his papers, and then slowly looked up again, this time staring at Valkyrie's lower half. She saw a few other mages doing the same.

"Ahem," she said, clearing her throat. "Sorry we're late. Just came from, uh, school," she tried to explain, but the stares were proving to be a bit of a distraction. "I'm starting to feel just a little bit objectified," she said to them.

Immediately, everyone lowered their eyes, and Skulduggery and Valkyrie took their seats. Valkyrie was seated next to Erskine, and Skulduggery was next to her, with Ghastly on the other side of him. Other significant mages took up the rest of the seats around the large table.

Erskine was the first to speak, and he gave a long and boring speech that Valkyrie was pretty sure Tipstaff had written for him. At the end of his lecture, he sat back down, and another Mage began speaking, followed by another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another...

Valkyrie just sat back and concentrated on a spot on the table, where it looked like the wood had been chipped away at some point. She completely zoned out, and therefore missed the glances that Erskine kept giving her legs.

* * *

><p>"People keep looking at her legs," Skulduggery whispered to Ghastly, whilst a Mage was giving a lecture of some sort.<p>

"I know," Ghastly hissed back, just as angry. Valkyrie was his close friend, and he sometimes saw himself as a big brother or even father figure to her, so people, especially men who _worked_ for him, taking advantage of her current situation, and objectifying her in some way, made him quite furious.

"Well what are we gonna do about it?" Skulduggery asked, in a harsh whisper.

"How the hell am _I_ supposed to know? _You_ wanted to send her to school, today of all days!"

They caught Erskine stealing another lingering glance at a bored-looking Valkyrie's legs. Her skirt had ridden up even higher now that she was seated, and it seemed like Erskine was making the most of the opportunity.

Skulduggery sent a soft breeze to catch Erskine's attention, and he looked at the two of them, reluctantly taking his eyes off Valkyrie. Ghastly shot him a menacing, threatening look, that promised pain, and Erskine immediately paled and angled his chair away from Valkyrie, so he wouldn't be tempted and get himself into trouble.

However, this wasn't enough to stop the other male Mages from stealing glances at her every now and then, some even pretending to do up their shoelaces or itch their foots just to steal a glance of her under the table.

Ghastly and Skulduggery just sat back and waited for the meeting to end.

* * *

><p>Nearly two hours later, the meeting finally came to an end, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery were one of the firsts to leave- Skulduggery out of tiredness of having people stare at his partner, and Valkyrie due to the sheer <em>boredom<em> she had been battling.

As they exited the Sanctuary, Skulduggery was aware of the people behind them trying to catch a peek up Valkyrie's skirt, as the wind was blowing it around. Before they had a chance to do so, he discreetly waved his hand and manipulated the air around Valkyrie, to stop the wind from playing with her clothes. She noticed the shift in air pressure, and looked back at Skulduggery. He tilted his head towards her skirt, and she glanced down at it, understanding. She smiled gratefully at him.

When they finally reached the Bentley, which seemed to be two hundred miles later, they both collapsed into the fine leather seats, relieved.

"Next time," Valkyrie began, "don't bother sending me to school."

Skulduggery nodded furiously, and the Bentley pulled out of the Sanctuary car park.

* * *

><p>Dozens of faces, including the Grand Mage's, watched from the windows of the Sanctuary as the Bentley, and Valkyrie, pulled away. Then, they grudgingly went back to work, hoping there'd be another meeting involving her <em>soon.<em>


	19. A Pleasant Christmas

**HAPPY CHRISTMAS! HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A FANTABULOUSLY BRILLIANT XMAS, AND A PLEASANT NEW YEAR!**

**Here's a Christmassy Drabble to get you all in the festive spirit, Skulduggery style!**

**P.S; some replies:**

**Alexa: I laughed a lot at that part, too! I'll get started on it ASAP!**

**Berlin: wow, firstly thank you so much for your million reviews! Glad you found them funny! Also, have fun reading TDOTL- be warned, you WILL c****ry. Also, WHAT IS IT WITH PENGUINS AND MY READERS!? Third time I've been asked about penguins! lol i love the idea, I'll start on it as soon as I can. Imagine the others' reactions to Skulduggery seeing them as penguins... Lol can't wait to start work on it! Oh, and I'll try and do a pasta-themed one, too! And tomatoes! As well as the penguins! Lol I love your ideas! **

**Guest (ch.18): Great idea! An angel/demon thing would be perfect to show Valduggery! If I do do un-valduggery drabbles, I'll put them up on this one, but I'll probably update again soon after for the readers who won't want to read that, which i completely get; Valduggery is the only way forward for most! Also, could you please provide a name so I can dedicate the chapter to you- I dont wanna keep calling you 'Guest'! Your idea is so original, you should be commended for it properly!**

**Guest (ch.17): OMG I LAUGHED SO MUCH READING THAT; VAL GETTING STUCK IN FAT! Wow wow wow I HAVE to write that! Thanks for the idea! Could you also provide a name for me please, so I don't keep calling you 'Guest'! Thank you!**

**Veronica Violet: Wreathkyrie coming up soon! Thanks for the request, feel free to send any more!**

**wow that did take a while, but it was worth it! Anyway, on with the story!**

* * *

><p>Skulduggery sat in his main living room, on his armchair, trying to get some sleepmeditation done. It was Christmas Eve, well technically Christmas Day now that it was past midnight, so Valkyrie was spending the night at the mansion, having insisted that she spent her first Christmas since turning eighteen with Gordon at _her _mansion. Skulduggery didn't see the logic, but she always was a crazy girl.

Tanith was at her flat in Central Dublin, and Ghastly was at his shop. He had been working on some last minute Christmas orders, and had been rushed off his feet. Fletcher was staying in a flat he had only recently begun renting out, near Haggard. Skulduggery glanced at the clock on the fireplace. It had just gone one am.

He was beginning to relax, when a loud thump was heard. Skulduggery stood up cautiously and drew his gun, looking around the room for the disturbance. Then, he saw something that hadn't been there seconds ago. There was a large object, covered in soot, at the base of the fireplace.

Skulduggery tilted his head, and watched as the object coughed and spluttered for a second, then proceeded to stand up. It was an elderly man, with a large belly and a long white beard. He wore small spectacles perched on the end of his nose. As he dusted off the soot, Skulduggery could see that he was wearing a red and white attire.

Skulduggery waved his hand, and the rest of the soot came away from the man, who looked up and smiled his thanks.

"Is this some sort of joke?" asked Skulduggery.

"No, my boy, this most definitely isn't," chuckled the man.

"But... You don't exist..."

"Ah, so you recognise me, then!"

"_Santa Claus doesn't exist_!"

"Well, that's just charming, that is," tutted the man.

"Did Valkyrie put you up to this? Who is it really? Is that you, Ghastly? Anton? No it won't be Anton, he's not this stupid. Erskine? Dexter? Saracen? Ah, yes, it _must_ be Saracen. I did tell him to go easy on those puddings," said Skulduggery, certain that it was Rue.

The man just looked at Skulduggery in near bewilderment. "You're not the brightest skeleton, are you?" He stepped closer to Skulduggery, and took off his spectacles. "Do I _look_ like any of the Dead Men?"

"HAH! How did you know that they were members of the Dead Men? You therefore_ must_ be one of them, or at least someone I know."

"I _am_ Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, or Saint Nicholas, or just Santa, or whatever else you wish to call me. I know all about _you_ Pleasant, and all your friends, because I have been watching you. I have been making a list of the naughty and the nice," said Santa.

"_Oh_, yes that explains it, actually," said Skulduggery, then eagerly added, "So which list am I on? Because I'm telling you, Santa, I _deserve_ a present!"

"Well, Skulduggery, it was hard to decide with you. You have been extremely naughty, playing with guns and getting young Valkyrie into trouble. But at the same time, you fight for the law and for justice. So, in the end, I decided that you are on the nice list. Just this once."

Skulduggery then proceeded to do a celebratory dance, just like a small child would. He _hated_ Christmas- the way that everyone was sentimental just about drove him crazy. However, he was eager for presents _any_ day!

Santa Claus then began to splutter and cough violently. Skulduggery stopped leaping about and turned to him. "Are you alright?"

"This soot is irritating my lungs. I have very bad asthma, you see," Santa wheezed.

"But ironic, isn't it?" Skulduggery muttered. Santa walked up to him.

"Ironic? _Ironic_? You're the one who didn't bother cleaning out your chimney, Pleasant. It's _your_ fault!"

"I'm not the one who told you to get in there, did I?"

"But I was doing _you_ a favour! Well, if you don't want your present..." said Santa, and went to pick up his sack of presents from the floor.

"Wait! Wait!" Skulduggery said quickly. "Don't be so hasty! I'm sorry, it _was_ all my fault, please don't leave with my present!"

Santa put the bag down and sat heavily on one of the sofas. He sat back and put his feet on the coffee table. "I don't think I'll be able to finish the rounds tonight."

He turned to Skulduggery, and smiled. "Skulduggery Pleasant, I want you to take my place. Every year, I do you and your friends last, because you are all so controversial. Therefore, the only presents left to deliver are Tanith Low's, Ghastly Bespoke's, Fletcher Renn's and Valkyrie Cain's. They are all in the bag, as well as your own."

"What?" spluttered Skulduggery. "Are you _serious_? I can't go around acting as Santa, that's just crazy!"

"Skulduggery, this is all your fault, so _you_ need to fix it. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes," sighed Skulduggery.

"Yes what?"

"Yes, _Santa_," he amended.

Santa beamed. "Excellent! Now, first things first- transport."

"What's wrong with driving the Bentley?" asked Skulduggery, dismayed.

"You're going to _drive_? Oh no, no, no, you silly boy, you will _not_ be driving tonight! Now, there is no way that I would trust _you_ with _my_ reindeer and sleigh, so I'm simply going to give your Bentley the power of flight!"

And, with that, Santa closed his eyes and clicked his fingers simultaneously, then sat there with his eyes shut for a few moments.

"Um," said Skulduggery.

Santa's eyes shot open. "Done!" he grinned. "Now, you'd better hurry! The presents need to be delivered by dawn!"

Skulduggery hastily put his hat on and walked out the door, leaving Santa on the sofa. _Now that's something I never thought I'd do,_ he thought.

He got in the Bentley with the sack of presents. _Now, how do you fly a magic Bentley?_

He decided to just try it the normal way, and put in his key and accelerated. The Bentley shot off...

...into the sky.

Skulduggery laughed with glee. This was _hilarious_! The sheer_ cheesiness_ of what he was doing- flying a Bentley across Dublin, delivering presents to his friends, standing in for Santa- was just so _random_! The others would never believe this!

Speaking of the others, Skulduggery remembered that he had a job to do, so he headed towards Tanith's flat.

* * *

><p>He got there within ten minutes, and parkedlanded the Bentley on the roof. He got out and, taking the sack of presents, walked towards the chimney. He peered inside the sack, and took out the first thing he saw. A large roll of fabric. _This _has _to be Tanith's present! _he thought proudly to himself._ She always did need to wear more clothes..._

He dropped down through the chimney, using the air to slow his descent, wondering how the hell Santa managed to survive dropping down millions of chimneys _without_ the use of magic. He emerged out of the fireplace into a small living room, with a white Christmas tree in the middle. He quickly placed the roll of fabric underneath it, and shot back up the chimney, once again using the air.

* * *

><p>He landed on the roof of Ghastly's shop. Unfortunately, it did not have a chimney, so Skulduggery picked the lock and entered through the front door, trying to make as little commotion as possible, as Ghastly was asleep in the apartment above the shop- he usually stayed there when he had a lot of work to get done. Skulduggery spotted no tree, but as he neared the back of the shop, he saw a small decorative Christmas tree ornament, made of metal and dusted with glitter. <em>This will have to do,<em> he thought.

He covered his 'eyes' and put a hand into the sack, and rummaged around. He pulled out a pair of high-heeled shoes, attached to a matching jewellery set. _Perfect!_ Skulduggery thought. He was sure that maybe Ghastly could model some new clothes around the colours and style. He left it near the tree, and left for Fletcher's flat.

* * *

><p>He arrived, once again, on the roof, however this time it was slanted. So, when he turned around, he found that the Bentley was slowly slipping over the edge of the roof. He gasped and jumped in through the open window, and accelerated so that it was no longer slipping, and was now in mid air. Only problem was, it was upside down.<p>

Once he'd managed to land the Bentley onto the ground, the right way up, he took the sack from the boot and boosted himself up to the roof with his Elemental magic. Having perfect balance, he steadied himself and grabbed something random out of the bag, and leapt down the chimney. He emerged into a living room, knowing for sure that this was Fletcher's living room because there were pictures of his hair taken from different angles scattered all over the table. He put the present under the green tree that stood in the corner, noticing that the gift was an exclusive copy of 'And the Darkness Rained Upon Them', now with an added note from the author himself, Gordon Edgley. Fletcher would love this! Granted, he probably couldn't read, and had probably never held much of an interest for books, but maybe he could use it as a doorstop!

Proud of himself, he quickly left and made his way to the next destination of the night; Valkyrie Cain's mansion.

* * *

><p>He shimmied down the chimney of the mansion, and came into the grand living room. There was a magnificent green tree in the middle of the room, which Skulduggery had helped to decorate a couple of weeks ago. He pulled out the final item in the sack; a deluxe hairspray gift set. He knew how much Valkyrie loved her hair, so he was <em>sure<em> that this gift was _perfect_! He placed it under the tree.

Wanting to get back to receive his own present quickly, he shot up the chimney, climbed into the Bentley, and raced back to his house.

* * *

><p>When he arrived, he walked into the living room to find Santa on the couch still, but with an empty pizza box next to him. Skulduggery unnecessarily cleared his throat, and Santa looked up.<p>

"Ah, you're done, then! Just thought I'd help myself to the contents of the fridge," he explained.

"You do know that that pizza was Valkyrie's leftovers from about a week ago?" Skulduggery questioned.

"That explains the mould then," said Santa, and burped. Skulduggery didn't want to think about it.

Santa got up and walked towards the fireplace. "I'll be honest- I didn't expect you to get it done, let alone figure out who's present was who's, no matter how obvious it was! But you did, and well done for that," beamed Santa.

"Yes, it _was_ quite easy. Tanith had the material, Ghastly got the shoes and jewellery, the book was Fletcher's and Valkyrie received the hairspray."

Santa peered at Skulduggery. "Please tell me you're joking."

"Uh, no..." said Skulduggery. What had he done wrong?

"Well, you're certainly in for an eventful Christmas!" chuckled Santa, and he turned back to the fireplace.

"Take care, Skulduggery! I expect to see you on the nice list again _next_ year," Santa warned.

"Wait! What about my present?" Skulduggery asked. He hadn't done all of that work for _nothing_!

"You really haven't figured it out, have you? Call yourself a detective! You've got your present!"

Skulduggery paled- although he had no skin to do this, he could have sworn that his bones went a lighter shade of white. "No, you've got to be kidding me. Please tell me that my present isn't some cheesy lesson about friends and family and whatnot, and how they're more important than physical items. You do not know how many times Ghastly has given me that lecture. Especially last Christmas; he went on for hours about how I shouldn't have gotten moody with Valkyrie when she gave me _brown _shoes instead of _black _ones to match my suit, because I explained to her that I didn't have any _brown_ suits, so why would I need _brown_ shoes? And how it wasn't a very good present, and then she got upset, and then Ghastly smacked the back of my skull and said-"

"-SHUT UP, SKULDUGGERY!" yelled Santa, slapping the back of Skulduggery's skull.

"Santa can't slap people!" protested Skulduggery, but he was ignored.

"Firstly," Santa began, "Ghastly is automatically on the nice list for next year, for slapping you and for making a very good point. However, that is not what I meant by the fact that you already had your present. I've had enough cheesiness for one night," he said, and burped. "Look on your head."

"My hat is on my head," said Skulduggery, confused.

"For goodness sake," muttered Santa, and, before Skulduggery could react, he swiped Skulduggery's hat off his head. "_Look_!"

Skulduggery gasped in delight, for he had just realised that Santa was holding a _new_ hat; of a glorious velvety black, with a dark indigo band wrapped around it. It was _magnificent_.

Skulduggery took the hat, and placed it back on his head, taking extra care with it. Then, he suddenly had a belated insight.

"Wait a minute- I had my present all along! So I didn't have to do all that work earlier on..."

"Ho ho ho!" laughed Santa. "Merry Christmas, Skulduggery Pleasant!" and he climbed back up the chimney and disappeared from view.

A few moments later, Skulduggery heard sleigh bells in the distance.

* * *

><p>Skulduggery pulled up outside Valkyrie's mansion. It seemed that the spell on his Bentley had worn off. It was a pity; he would've loved to see the jealous look on Valkyrie's face.<p>

It had been decided that the gang would meet up here to spend Christmas together. Skulduggery knocked on the door, and was let in by a very angry Valkyrie. She moved aside for him to come in, and he closed the door behind him and followed her into the living room.

She thrust a box at his hands. It was the deluxe hairspray gift set.

"Look what I got from Santa!" she whined. "What am I meant to do with this?"

"But you love your hair! I'm sure it will come in handy..."

"Skulduggery, the only thing I can think of doing with this is throwing it at the back of Santa's head," said Valkyrie angrily, and Skulduggery did his best to look impassive, discreetly angling himself so at the back of his skull wasn't anywhere near Valkyrie.

The doorbell rang, and Valkyrie went to open it, to find Tanith and Ghastly on the doorstep. She led them in, and Skulduggery saw, upon their entrance into the living room, that they too had grumpy faces, and were holding their gifts in an unhappy manner. Fletcher teleported into the room, and, _yup_ you've guessed it, he wasn't looking too happy either. In fact, he looked like he wanted to throw his book at someone.

"None of you like your presents, do you?" asked Skulduggery. They shook their heads. He considered being kind and sympathetic towards them, but then just decided to rub it in their faces.

"Well, look at what _I_ got! See, it's a new hat, and it matches this suit _perfectly_! Look at how it shines, and can you feel that velvet? Divine, isn't it? And this band around it is-"

"_Skulduggery_!" said the others, wanting him to shut up.

"It's alright for you, isn't it? Look what I got!" said Ghastly, holding up his shoes and jewellery. Everyone burst out laughing.

"Actually, they look quite nice," said Valkyrie, coming closer to look at them.

"Here, you can have them," said Ghastly. "They won't be missed."

"Thanks, Ghastly!" said Valkyrie gratefully, and gave Ghastly a hug. "This is much better than this stupid hairspray gift set I got," she said, holding it up.

Fletcher's jaw practically dropped to the floor.

"A...a..._A HAIRSPRAY DELUXE BOX GIFT SET_!" he said excitedly. _"I have been saving up for one for... forever!"_

Valkyrie threw it at him, and he caught it, and stroked the front of the box with love.

"You sure?" he asked Valkyrie, like he couldn't believe that she would part with such a gift.

"It's yours, Fletch," she said kindly, and laughed at his pleasure. He held the Gordon Edgely book up. "Anyone want this?"

Tanith's eyes looked like they were about to fall out of her head, so he quickly passed it to her before she had a heart attack. She absentmindedly held out the roll of fabric to Ghastly, who took it eagerly.

"Silk in shade peach, number 185..." he breathed. "I have been looking for this for so long..." he trailed off, and pulled out a notebook to start writing down the new possibilities for the fabric that had just popped into his head.

Skulduggery looked around, and smiled an invisible smile. _He was such a good Santa._


	20. A Day in the Life of Erskine Ravel

**I've already put this up on my other story, but for people who haven't seen it yet, I'll put this message up again:**

**I am going away tomorrow (Monday) to visit family, on a journey that takes 4 hours and involves 3 trains and 1 car. What fun. Anyway, I won't be back until the new year, so until then I will not be able to update this story or my other story. I honestly am so so so so sorry, but please bear with me! As soon as I get back, I will update for you all!**

**Also, since I won't be back in time to say this, I'll just say it now:**

**_**HAVE AN AWESOME NEW YEAR BEST READERS IN THE WORLD! HOPE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!**_**

**also, some final replies of 2014:**

**Valkyrie Smith: Thank you so much for your continuous support, especially with feedback and with developing new ideas. I really appreciate all of it, and I hope you have an absolutely amazing new year!  
><strong>

**Berlin: I really love that idea; a love potion always goes wrong! I know I'll have lots of fun writing it and hopefully people will have fun reading it, too. I'll start on it asap. Thanks again for the idea! and the support! and the crazy hyperness that just lights up my day! :)  
><strong>

**Insanity: OMG I KNOW RIGHT! you know that song 'Santa Claus is coming to town', it used to give me nightmares! i'm not even exaggerating, it's like exactly what you said, '_he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake_' and he knows where we friggin' LIVE! sorry outburst is over. thanks for the idea- i think i might do a creepy Santa story, maybe for next Xmas... mmhhh yeah i can see it now; Santa vs Skulduggery. Rudolph vs Valkyrie. Elves vs the Dead Men... wonder who'd win...? lol thank you, you've given me a LOT to think about! and yeah it has been hard doing this while im doing my GCSE's at school as well, but i think it's most definitely worth it to get reviews from people like you; I honestly haven't smiled so much in a looooong time, so thank you. Also, the ideas haven't all come from me- I have gotten loads from other people, such as yourself, and that's kept me going, too. Anyway, back to penguins again. No, I don't think I've ever sung a creepy penguin song... especially not one in which you get murdered... sounds pretty scary! Also, I love that name- Insanity. It really does suit you! :P lol Libertied Insanity sounds AWESOME, i really love it! hope you had a great xmas, too, thank you! omg longest reply I thnk I've ever done, but well worth it.**

**FunkyRaz: Thank you so much for the feedback! Glad you're enjoying the drabbles. I love your ideas; I'll start on them as soon as I can. They're really interesting ideas and I can't wait to get started on them- thank you!**

***All I have left to say is that you guys (readers, reviewers, followers, favouriters, etc.) have all made my 2014 amazing, even though I've only been writing this for just over a month. Thank you, and best wishes for the new year!***

**I've left you with my favourite Drabble so far, and it's centered around the world's stupidest Grand Mage... :) hope you enjoy reading it and laugh as much as I did whilst writing it!**

* * *

><p><span>A Day in the Life of Erskine Ravel<span>

Erskine sat up and stretched. It was 4am; he'd be due at work in two hours. He pulled back the silk covers on his king sized bed, and got up. He went into the ensuite bathroom, washed, and came back into the main bedroom.

Grumbling, he adjusted his official robe over a simple t shirt and track suit bottoms. He then combed his hair to perfection, applying hair gel and water to his hair in the specific ratio of 5 to 2. He looked in the mirror, and flashed a pearly smile._ Oh yeah, looking good, baby_, his simple mind thought to itself.

He went down the spiral staircase of the mansion, and entered the kitchen. He got some Cornflakes, and settled down to watch whatever was on TV at five am. An advert came up, showing a deprived village somewhere in Africa, and showing a close up on one of its inhabitants, who was living in extreme poverty. "_With just a few euros, you can make this image go away_," said the narrator.

Erskine most certainly _did_ want to make the image go away- it was putting him off his breakfast. Therefore, he decided to take the narrator's advice.

He got up, putting his half-eaten cereal on the glass dining table, and walked into the master gallery. He got to the third image on the left, and pulled it forward to reveal a safe. He inputted the code, 1-2-3-4 (he had forgotten it many times, despite how _easy_ it was to remember), and it opened, to reveal a large stash of notes, which must've totalled to at least a few thousand euros.

He took the notes, and some Sellotape from the library, and walked back into the kitchen. He bundled the notes together and threw them on the floor, to make them easier to work with. Then, he cut little strips of Sellotape, sticking them onto his fingers to keep them safe. However, somehow, by doing this simple, yet random task, he managed to lose his balance, and fell into the pile of notes. Due to the Sellotape that was on his fingers, and now also on various locations on his robe, he stood up to find that he was _covered_ in notes, all of them stuck to him via the Sellotape, resembling a dress. After much time and effort, he managed to prise (what he thought was) all of them off his robe.

He then proceeded to tape the notes onto the TV screen, until it was completely covered. _There_, he thought. _Now, with just a few euros, I made the image go away_.

Proud of himself and his solution, he went back to his cereal, only to find that it was now soggy. Muttering to himself, he put it into the bin and contemplated whether it was time to leave for work. He glanced at the clock, and saw that it was already 6am. It most definitely _was_ time to go.

After putting his shoes on, taking three attempts to work out which one was for his left foot and which one was for his right, even though though there were only _two_ shoes, so he shouldn't have needed _three_ tries, he finally got out of the front door and into his sports car, and sped away down to the Sanctuary.

* * *

><p>He arrived there half an hour late, and ran into his office. He sat down, and made it look like he was doing something, just in case Tipstaff decided to come in. He looked at his list of things to do that day, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head when he realised that he was meant to be in a meeting at that very moment. And it wasn't just any meeting- it was a meeting on the Global Link, with all the other significant sanctuaries around the world.<p>

He cursed, and bolted straight for Ghastly's office, where the meeting was being held. Ghastly was already there, looking agitated, and Erskine could see various other familiar, and grumpy, faces on the giant screen that had been set up. Ghastly turned to see who had entered, and looked furious when he saw that it was Erskine. He turned off the microphone, and stepped out of the field of vision for the camera that was meant to be on him.

He strode up to Erskine. "Where the hell have you _been_? You're nearly an _hour _late!" he yelled.

Erskine stammered an apology. "I'll make it up to you- promise," he said to Ghastly.

"That's what you said the other thirty six times you did this! And you still haven't made it up to me!" Ghastly said, annoyed.

"What's the meeting about?" asked Erskine, who just wanted to get it over and done with so he could start bossing around Tipstaff or catching up with Skul and Val, or playing pranks on Ghastly.

"It's about whether the Cradles of Magic should unite their sanctuaries. We're arguing for the idea that they _shouldn't_. Do you know why?" asked Ghastly, concerned that Erskine was going to muck up the hard work he had put into the meeting so far.

"Yeah, it's because... uh, well, um... Hey, Ghastly?"

"What?"

"What's a Cradle of Magic?"

Ghastly slapped the back of Erskine's head, and pushed him into the area that the camera was recording. Erskine really didn't know what to say, or what a Cradle of Magic was, or who these silly looking people were on the screen. Oh wait, one of them was him.

He cleared his throat, and suddenly had a brainwave and knew instantly what to say. He put on a posh voice, and said, "My good friends, I do not understand the point of uniting the Cradles. It will just lead to disaster. All sanctuaries are unique and are more than capable of standing alone. Instead of encouraging each other to team up and grow apart, we should embrace what brings us together. It is with great pride that I say that Ireland is doing a splendid job of sustaining itself, and I have every confidence that it will continue to do so for the foreseeable future." Erskine finished with a suppressed grin, well aware of how _sick_ that sounded. He knew how good that speech was, and was waiting for the reaction of the other mages. However, what he didn't expect were the confused expressions he received from them.

He saw a sign flashing in the bottom right corner of the screen. It looked like it was of a microphone, but it had a line through it. _What the hell does _that _mean?_ wondered Erskine. "Hey, Ghastly?" he called.

"Don't start a sentence with 'hey', it's bad manners," scolded Ghastly.

"Yes, mother," muttered Erskine. "What does this mean?" he asked, pointing to the flashing symbol.

Ghastly stepped forward slightly, so that he was close enough to see, yet wasn't on camera. He sighed. "You didn't turn the microphone back on, did you?"

"No... was I meant to?"

"_Yes! You idiot_!" said Ghastly.

"But... My speech..."

"You're gonna have to give it again, then, aren't you?"

"_But I can't remember it_!"

"How the _hell_ are you Grand Mage, Ravel?!"

And with that, Ghastly left the room, muttering to himself.

* * *

><p>Hours later, when the conference had finally finished, Erskine returned to his office, to find Ghastly lounging about there with Skulduggery and Valkyrie.<p>

"At _last_!" Skulduggery said, then before Erskine barely had a chance to sit down, he began telling him all about their latest case.

Erskine completely zoned out, and instead started thinking about... cornflakes. His lovely, once crispy cornflakes that had so sadly gone soggy before he had had the chance to finish them. They will be missed.

He jolted out of his thoughts to the sound of Valkyrie calling his name repeatedly.

"Huh? What? Yeah, whatever Ghastly said," he said, trying to think about what they had been talking about.

Skulduggery sighed. "I _said_, why the hell are you covered in euros?"

Erskine looked down to see that his ugly robe was as plain as ever. "What? I'm not!"

Ghastly sighed. "Stand up and turn around," he said.

Erskine stood up, and started to spin around continuously, beginning to get dizzy. Ghastly grabbed his arm, forcing him to a stop. "What are you _doing_?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"You said 'turn around'..." mumbled Erskine. What had he done wrong_ now?_

_"I meant face the wall, you idiot, not spin around on the spot!"_ Ghastly exclaimed, exasperated.

_"Ohhh._.." muttered Erskine, and he obliged.

"Your back is covered in euros," said Valkyrie, confused as to why this was the case.

"Huh? _Oh,_ I must have missed these ones after I fell into the pile..." said Erskine, realisation dawning on him. He turned back to face them.

Three blank, sceptical faces were looking at him, and he had a horrible feeling they were doubting his intelligence.

"Listen, it all started when I woke up..." he began, and with that, he explained the day's events.


	21. Seeking Sorcerers

**Hi guys, I'm back! Next Drabble is up, and I've made it a long (and random) one! Val's 17/18 in this.**

** Some replies;**

**Insanity: Hi, just to let you know, 'Berlin' also likes the name Libertied Insanity. It really does sounds like a good idea for a pen name!**

**Berlin: 'Darquesse is Coming to Town' sounds like a really good idea for a song parody... If you want, we could team up together and write it, and I could post it on this fanfic? (If you're interested) and yeah I heard about his new series, although to be honest I'm not really sure if I'll read any of his work again, as I'll just be comparing it to SP. I dunno... And I'm sharing your trauma after the events of DOTL; so sad...**

**FunkyRaz: wow thank you so much! I'm so pleased to hear that you like my writing, and I'll be sure to put in lots more Valduggeries for you! And I'm really glad that I've inspired you; I look forward to reading your fanfics in the future! Btw Is your profile name FunkyRaz as well?**

**Trinity: Holy crap I'm honoured! Wow thank you! I'm really happy to hear that I've inspired you, and I'll keep an eye out for your work as well. Please let me know what your profile name is so I can read your fanfics when they're ready, and thanks again!**

**To everyone who has ever reviewed, thank you so so much. I read every single word, and smile at every single one. I know that without everyone's continuous support, I wouldn't have continued this fanfic, so thank you all! It really does warm my heart to hear that I'm inspiring people, and I hope to continue to inspire others, as it's so easy to just let your ideas flow from your mind, and take them in whatever direction you want to take them. I first started writing on FanFiction only a couple of months ago, because I was so disappointed that the SP series had ended, so I just tried to continue it in my own way. ****Your support means everything, so thank you!**

* * *

><p>"I am so bored," Saracen said, for the millionth time. Him, the other Dead Men, Valkyrie and Fletcher were all gathered in Valkyrie's mansion. They had nothing better to do.<p>

"Let's play a game," suggested Valkyrie.

"Which one?" asked Dexter.

"I was always quite partial to a game of hide and seek myself," said Skulduggery, much to everyone's surprise. They all stared at him as if he'd grown another head. Well, skull.

"_What_?" he asked, shifting in his seat. He'd never liked being stared at.

"Nothing," Ghastly said, not bothered to explain. "Let's play hide and seek."

"There's a lot of us, though. Should we play in teams?" asked Anton. There were murmurs of agreement.

"How should we decide the teams?" asked Skulduggery.

"Uh... ability?" suggested Ghastly.

"No, that'll cause too many arguments when I say I'm better than all of you," said Skulduggery.

"_Hey_!" Dexter protested.

"See?"

"Ummm... alphabetical order?" said Erskine.

"Yeah, but by first name or last name?" asked Valkyrie. "It's too much discussion."

"Eye colour?" said Fletcher.

"In this room we have four people with brown eyes, one person with grey eyes, one person with green eyes, one person with _gold_ eyes, and_ someone with no_ eyes, so it's hardly an equal balance," said Anton.

"How about hair colour?" suggested Saracen.

"Yeah, that could work, actually," said Dexter thoughtfully. "The teams would be even- two apiece."

"Great!" said Skulduggery, itching to get going. The number of times he had won this game...

"So," said Valkyrie, "it's me and Anton, as we both have black hair. Dexter and Fletcher, you're both blondes, so you're a team. Saracen and Erskine, you've both got brown hair. And, uh, Ghastly and Skulduggery, you're, uh, both... bald..."

"Please don't tell me you're saying Skulduggery and I have the same hairstyle. Being _bald_ is a hairstyle. Being a skeleton is _not_. However, I will take one for the team, and be likened to this bag of bones," said Ghastly graciously.

"So, who wants to count?" asked Fletcher. "Bearing in mind that it's the duo that counts, not just one person."

"I'll do it," offered Saracen.

"No way, Rue," said Dexter. "It's quite clear that you'll use your powers to find everyone. Speaking of which, what are they?"

"Oh, well, you see, Dexter, it's quite simple," said Saracen. He leaned forward, and said quietly to Dexter, who waited eagerly, "I know things."

He smirked, and Dexter looked like he was about to throw him through a wall.

"I think the pair of Barbies should count, if they're capable of doing so," said Anton, gesturing to Dexter and Fletcher. "Purely because of Fletcher's temptation to cheat; he could easily teleport to a different location in the mansion when he hears someone getting close."

"Ah, damn," said Fletcher. That was _exactly_ what he had been planning on doing!

"Alright, then," said Dexter, nodding. "So, whoever is left at the end wins it for their team, and we could do a couple of rounds, and determine the overall champions at the end."

"Let's go then!" urged Skulduggery, and he ran out of the room, closely followed by the others. Dexter and Fletcher began counting to fifty.

"38, 39, 40," Fletcher continued counting. He stopped and looked at Dexter.

"I seriously can't be bothered to do this," he complained.

"Oh come on, it's only ten more seconds!" said Dexter.

"They could be anywhere in the mansion by now. We're just giving them more chance to win. Why couldn't we have just counted to five?"

"Stop complaining, Fletch. Besides, it's not _that_ bad being the seekers. At least we can humiliate whoever we find first."

"Yeah, I guess. Anyway, where was I?"

"Uh, forty, I think."

"Oh my God, we've spent _at least _another ten seconds talking. _We've given them extra time_!" exclaimed Fletcher, and he bolted off to start looking for the others.

* * *

><p>"Skulduggery, stop following me!" said Valkyrie crossly.<p>

"I'm not!" he protested. "You're following _me_!"

"But I'm in front!" she pointed out.

"Well, yeah, but..." he stuttered. Valkyrie looked back and glared at him, and he shut up.

She darted into a bedroom as she heard Fletcher approaching. Skulduggery made a split-decision, and followed her in.

"Get out!" she whispered angrily.

"No!" he said back, as loud as usual.

"Sssshhhhh!" she hissed, darting under the bed. Skulduggery looked around, and concluded that the bed was the best hiding place. So, he got under it next to Valkyrie.

"Copycat!" she glared. However, he didn't seem to care.

"Go! If you get me found, I swear I will shackle you to Fletcher for a week," she threatened in a furious whisper. They heard the door open, and recognised the teleporter's footsteps.

"Too late now," he muttered, and received an elbow to the ribs for making so much noise.

Skulduggery remembered the last time he had played hide and seek- he had won. Therefore, he was looking forward to winning again. There was no way that Fletcher would find him; he was too stupid, whereas Skulduggery was too clever. Ah, he could almost picture the moment where everyone would give up in trying to find him, as his hiding spot was so _good_, and he'd come out so smug, and-

"Found you!" smirked Fletcher, pulling on Skulduggery's legs, dragging him out from under the bed. He did the same to a grumbling Valkyrie.

"This is all your fault," she said to Skulduggery, then went off to sit in the living room. Muttering to himself about the indecency of losing, Skulduggery followed.

Fletcher grinned to himself. _Two down, four to go..._

* * *

><p>Dexter walked into the kitchen. He strongly expected Erskine to be hanging around here somewhere, due to his love of food.<p>

"I know you're in here, Erskine," he taunted. "You may as well come out now..."

Dexter turned his head sharply. He could've sworn he had heard laughter...

There it was again, a stifled giggle. Dexter smiled, and walked to the dining room table, then drew back his leg and gently lashed out. A _yelp_ of surprise was heard, and he smirked in triumph as Erskine came crawling out from under the table.

"No fair!" he complained. "You used force!"

"Oh shut up and get in the living room," said Dexter, pushing Erskine out the doorway, following him into the living room, where he promptly sat down and started sulking. Seconds later, Fletcher walked in.

"Ghastly, Saracen and Anton are good," he said. "They'll have found really good spots."

"Hey! I'm better than the three of them put together!" said Skulduggery indignantly.

"Well you really showed it, didn't you, when you were the first to be caught," said Valkyrie, shooting him her best death glare.

"Fletcher found _you_ at the same time!" said Skulduggery.

"He pulled you first!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"_Did not!"_

_"Did too!_"

Dexter and Fletcher just left them to their arguing, and began formulating plans and tactics.

* * *

><p>"You know, Fletch," said Dexter loudly, as they walked through the upstairs corridors of the mansion, "sewing is a bit outdated, isn't it?"<p>

The plan was to lure Ghastly out by insulting him and his profession, as they knew how sensitive he was about it. If that failed, they planned to sing Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful' to Ghastly's scars.

"It is, isn't it, Dex? There's no speed or finesse about it. Mass production is the way to go," said Fletcher, trying not to laugh as he pictured Ghastly's furious face.

"Too bad the _tailors_ of today don't know that," said Dexter. "So many of them waste their lives in a shop, with only the company of their sewing machines."

"It's just... _stupid_."

"This isn't working," hissed Dexter to Fletcher.

"Plan B?" asked Fletcher.

"Plan B," nodded Dexter.

"Sewing is just _so_ insignificant and unimportant, right Dex?" Fletcher said loudly.

"Yeah. Other things are so much more important, aren't they?" continued Dexter.

"Yeah, like music."

"What was that song by Christina Aguilera? That famous one?"

"_Beautiful_, wasn't it?"

"Oh yeah. How does it go again..." and with that, him and Fletcher started singing it, altering a couple of the lyrics.

_"Your face is beautiful, no matter what they say_

_Madame Mist can't bring you down_

_Your scars are beautiful in every single way_

_Yes, Sanguine can't bring you down_

_So don't you hide from us today"_

Ghastly stormed out of one of the doorways, and looked like he wanted to throttle Dexter and Fletcher, who were spluttering with laughter.

"F-Found you!" laughed Dexter, pointing gleefully at Ghastly.

Ghastly froze. "What... No, you... _You cheated!_"

Fletcher grabbed Ghastly's arm and teleported him down to the living room, where Erskine was still sulking, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery were still arguing. He left Ghastly there, and teleported back up to Dexter.

"So... Anton and Saracen left," said Dexter.

"You know, I have a feeling Saracen will cheat as soon as he's aware of our presence," said Fletcher.

"Oh well," Dexter sighed.

* * *

><p>Dexter and Fletcher walked into the library. This was no longer a game of hide and seek. This was war.<p>

They had together figured out that Anton was too sophisticated for a game like hide and seek, so he would have probably gone off to entertain himself somewhere. They concluded that, considering his hate of mortal products and technology, and his love of Mage ones, he would be finding amusement from sorcerer-made or sorcerer-related products. All they could think of were books on magic, so they entered the library.

And, sure enough, they found Anton seated comfortably on a couch, with one of Gordon Edgely's novels in his hands. He glanced up at their arrival.

"Took you two a while, didn't it?" he asked.

"Believe it or not, you're one of the last to be found," Fletcher admitted.

Anton got up, and replaced the book on the bookshelf, then seemed to change his mind, and took it off again. "I must ask Valkyrie if I can borrow this," he said, then went off to find her.

"Do you think we should warn him that she's a little... grumpy?" asked Fletcher.

"Nah," Dexter grinned. "It's more fun this way."

"Where do you think Saracen will be?"

"Uh, wherever we haven't checked?" Dexter tried. Fletcher rolled his eyes.

"Well, we haven't checked most of the bedrooms, the attic, the basement, a couple of spare rooms and the bathrooms. So that narrows it down by a _lot,_" he said sarcastically.

"He won't be in the attic or the basement," said Dexter.

"Sure?"

"Yeah, Val keeps them locked. It will be too much effort for him."

"Also, I doubt he'd be in the spare rooms. He gets bored easily, and I think they're pretty empty," said Fletcher.

"Good point. So, bedrooms or bathrooms?"

"You've known him longer- what do you think?" asked Fletcher.

"Well, he always _did_ like bedrooms..." said Dexter, smirking.

Fletcher grinned, and they headed off to check the remaining bedrooms.

* * *

><p>"You know," said Dexter, as they approached the bedrooms, "he might try and cheat, and use his powers."<p>

"I doubt it," said Fletcher, and Dexter raised an eyebrow. "Well, he probably, using his powers, already knows that he's won."

"So in that case, he'll be in plain sight..." said Dexter. He pushed open the door of the nearest bedroom, where Saracen was lounging on one of the beds, a massive grin on his face.

"You found me, then? Guess I won!" he said enthusiastically.

"God, we'll never hear the end of this..." muttered Dexter, and they headed off to the living room, Saracen following them, and just not shutting up.

"I won, didn't I? I always said I was the best out of you lot. You know, I'm surprised you guys even agreed to play, knowing how clever I am. I didn't even cheat, either. I literally just walked into the bedroom, and it turns out you two nincompoops couldn't find me. You know, it's-"

_"Shut up!"_ said Fletcher and Dexter, annoyed.

They entered the living room, and sat down. Saracen remained standing. "Guys, guess who won! Guys? _Guys?"_

Saracen trailed off, and looked around him. Valkyrie was holding Skulduggery's hat hostage, and they were having a heated, if immature, argument. Anton was in the corner reading the same book from before, and Erskine was still sulking and muttering to himself. Ghastly was on his phone with his headphones in, and he was singing 'Beautiful' softly to himself. Dexter, Fletcher and Saracen looked at each other.

"You know, I think Pizza Hut have a special offer on," said Fletcher.

"Do you think we should ask the others?" asked Dexter.

Fletcher and Saracen glanced at each other. "Nah!"

Dexter shrugged, and Fletcher teleported them all off to Pizza Hut, leaving the crazy rabble behind, well aware of the stick they'd get when they returned.


	22. Kidnappin' Cain part 1

**This is a three parter, pretty random, and it will be quite a short story in terms of plot, but I hope you enjoy! And I tried to get Sanguine's character right; please let me know how i did and how i could improve it. Thanks!**

**As usual, replies;**

**Guest: thank you, hope you had a great Xmas as well! I also love reading stories about the dead men as a whole, and although they are quite hard to write, with all the different personalities, I'll try and do loads more of them in the future. Thanks again for the feedback!**

**Valkyrie Jade: Hi again, love the name by the way! Thank you for the review, glad you liked the chapter! Also, I saw your work you posted up; it's absolutely brilliant! Really look forward to seeing how it continues!**

**Libertied Insanity: it's official now; that's your name :) lol I feel like I'm christening you! anyway, hope you had a good time in France. What part of France did you go to? I've only been to paris. Being able to survive a 24 hour journey is just... Wow. I know I'd be going crazy after like half an hour ;) and lol I hate it when family hog the internet and devices, it's always such a pain! AD i really do agree with you and understand your points about Xmas songs; it is quite freaky. Lol Christmas Conspiracy ;) Also, I'm really keen on that Xmas idea as well. I'll probably have that up for next Christmas... Although knowing me I won't be able to wait and I'll probably just put it up sooner, lol like in the middle of summer XD. Actually, maybe i could, and I could find an excuse to do that... Mmhhh Erskine wanted more presents so he dragged the dead men off on an adventure to the North Pole to find Santa and force him to give him more presents, but pretending to the dead men that it's for a secret mission. And then they all get into their respective fights... lol I'm getting carried away here, but I guess that's a good way to explain a Xmas story in the middle of summer! Lol anyway where was I... Oh yeah, your review. Yeah, it is hard doing this and coping with exams, but I think I'm coping, for now... I'll always aim to update regularly, though :) as for the penguin song, I will try it out as soon as possible XD and your name truly is GENIUS! It should have been a character in the book, it's so clever and catchy! And you're very welcome for the long reply, and this one! You took the time to review, so I'll take the time to reply! :) and I will do some more of Erskine's days, I enjoyed writing it as much as you did reading it! Just need a couple of ideas... Mmhhh let's see maybe it could be set during a stakeout, and he's being distracting and idiotic and giving the others away... Well that's one idea! And I always hated the reflection as well. It just annoyed me so much, and when skulduggery asked for its help... Omg I was furious! And yeah i guess i could write a whole story on a hostage hat... Sounds interesting! And as for the other game of hide and seek... I guess he won by cheating; he followed someone, it just happened to come down to those two, and he manipulated the situation so that the other person was found like a split second before him. lol thought of that on the spot ;) i like the idea of a sexter fic, and the scenario you gave is really good and interesting- I'll certainly give it a go, but I have a feeling that I'll probably disappoint... I will try, though! ****Thank you again for the review! And don't worry about reviewing late; I'm just glad that you're reviewing at all in the first place :) Sorry my reply is so long, hopefully you're patient enough to read it :)**

**NightcatMau: thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked that chapter! Also thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my PM, thanks again!**

**Right, without further ado, here is part one of "Kidnappin' Cain"! Part two will probably be up tomorrow, as this one's quite short.**

**Val's 15-17, your choice.**

* * *

><p>"Well, howdy lil' darlin'. I sure didn't expect to see <em>you<em> here," grinned Billy-Ray Sanguine, as he erupted out of the ground behind Valkyrie. She cursed and turned, but was too late to stop him restraining her. He clicked a pair of handcuffs around her wrists.

"Isn't this a funny position we find ourselves in? Usually it's _you_ cuffin' _me_," he said in that Texan drawl of his. "Now, where is Shadow?"

Valkyrie struggled against his hold, but it was no use. He was too strong. She had been ordered by the Sanctuary to find a man named Henry Shadow, and bring him into protective custody. This was because he was being hunted around the world, as he was the only person who knew how to work a doomsday device that had fallen into the wrong hands. She was meant to find him, get back to the Sanctuary with him, and then he would be placed in a secure cell where no one could find him. However, the wrong hands that possessed the doomsday device had employed Sanguine, and he was seemingly now here to get Shadow and take him back to his employers.

"He's already gone," said Valkyrie truthfully, as Shadow had been ordered to leave through the secret exit of his apartment at the first sign of trouble.

"Aw, well that's no fun, then, is it?" said Sanguine, disappointed. "I suppose that you're gonna have to be my consolation, then, ain't ya?"

"What?" asked Valkyrie, surprised. How did _she_ fit into all this?

"You really don't know how valuable y'all are, eh? You're notorious for being the great Bones' sidekick- I can trade you for _anythin_'. Also, I'm sure my employers are gonna _love_ you."

"But... I'm not Shadow, and that's who they're after, right?"

"Well, yeah, but y'see, if we have _you_, my not so bright lil' darlin', the Sanctuary, and Skulduggery, will do anythin' to get you back, 'cause you're so _special_. So, what's stoppin' us from forcin' them to find Shadow for us, and have him delivered to our door?"

"Oh, crap. Nothing is," realised Valkyrie.

"Exactly," whispered Sanguine, and, with that, he burrowed into the earth with her.

* * *

><p>She clung onto him tightly, not wanting to be left down there, buried alive. Sanguine chuckled at her fear.<p>

"Bit jumpy, ain't ya?" he smiled.

"Shut up and hurry up," she muttered.

"As you wish, m'lady," and with that, Sanguine picked up speed. A few minutes later, they burst up again, and were now in a dimly lit corridor, with stone floors and walls. It took Valkyrie a few seconds to realise that they were back in Serpine's castle. _Why do they always come here?_ she wondered.

Sanguine led Valkyrie down to the end of the corridor, where they came to a row of cells. He opened the door to one of them and pushed her inside, locking the door securely behind her with a key that he replaced in his pocket. He smiled a white smile, and walked off.

Valkyrie sighed. She hated getting captured. The cell she was in now was literally just a stone walled room, with the front wall replaced by metal bars, with a thin gap between each one, typically identical to an old-fashioned jail. She clicked her fingers, trying to summon a spark, but realised that the cell was bound.

She sighed again, and hoped that Skulduggery would show up soon.


	23. Kidnappin' Cain part 2

**Part 2 is here! This one is also fairly short, so part 3 will be up tomorrow. Just to clear something up; this story isn't meant to be a long, detailed adventure- it's just meant to be a quick Drabble, about a random encounter with Sanguine, so sorry in advance if you think it's over too quickly! To compensate, sort of, in my other story 'The Hunt of the Dead Men', I am planning to included Sanguine in it, in a LOT of detail, and with a very important role... This wont be for a few chapters yet, but he will definitely make an appearance. Also, in the future, I may do more drabbles with everyone's favourite Texan Hitman Deluxe.**

**A couple of replies: (i honestly didn't expect to be writing replies to reviews for this story ALREADY, so thank you for all the dedicated support! Xx)**

**Libertied Insanity: okay get ready for another long one! I appreciate what you're saying about the length of it- it is quite short- but it's not meant to progress into a detailed plot, so I didn't really need to go into a lot of detail with it. Also, in the above paragraph I've written in this authors note, it explains my intentions a little more clearly :) Also, thanks for supporting that Xmas idea! Erskine can use himself as a justification for anything. "Why?" "Because he's Erskine." lol and also, no need to thank me for the name! You came up with it independently, I just said I like it! And I like that idea; Erskine on a stake out in a cold muddy trench with the dead men, enemy's close by, and Erskine wails about food and hunger... I can imagine just how much he'll get smacked for that! Also, I've heard of that place, I think it's popular in the world of sports, even with the Olympics maybe... Not sure, I'll look it up. Thank you not only for reviewing but also for taking the time to read my insanely long replies! And I laughed so hard at that last sentence ;) although you did type it pretty accurately!**

**FunkyRaz: I feel your pain! That's exactly why I started reading and writing fanfiction; cuz the last book made me so saaaaaaaad. It was absolute torture. Especially *that* Accelerator scene... As for inspiration, hmmmmmm, Skulduggery and Valkyrie could be on a mission somewhere, and she gets captured and he's hunting her down everywhere, running into various enemies, etc. and through this they realise their love for each other... ok that probably wasn't the world's best idea. I could ask my readers for you what they think, if you want :) they have shown themselves to be incredibly creative so far! Or, you could just do some drabbles; as they're short and quick, and won't need much thought in terms off plot progression, simply because they're so much less complex, and you can also go across into various genders with a Drabble series, like romance, humour, adventure, etc. wow i just realised that this reply is pretty long; sorry! I really need to stop waffling, like I am right now. Okay I'll stop talking now. Or writing. Okay I'm quiet!**

**As said, final part's up tomorrow, but for now, here's part 2 of 3:**

* * *

><p>Skulduggery thundered down the corridors of the Sanctuary, and stormed into Grand Mage Ravel's office.<p>

"_Where is she_?" he roared.

"Skulduggery, calm down, we don't know where she is," Erskine said.

"_I told you not to send her alone. You promised her reinforcements, yet didn't send her any_," he yelled, and he didn't need a face for Erskine to know that he was _livid_.

"I know, but Ghastly and I were confident that she was capable," said Erskine, trying to remain calm. "It was unexpected that Sanguine showed up, but-"

"_UNEXPECTED_?" bellowed Skulduggery. "_IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT_?" he paused for a moment, in a visible effort to calm down, yet when he spoke, he sounded just as, if not more, menacing.

"You promised her that there would be a squad of cleavers to support her. You knew that the others were going to show up, yes you didn't know it was Sanguine, but you knew it would be _someone_. She's missing, Erskine, there is _no_ trace of her _anywhere_. It has been nearly twenty-four hours, and she could be being tortured, dying or _dead_. AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT!"

Ghastly burst into the room. "There's been activity at Serpine's castle," he said urgently, and was right behind Skulduggery as he raced to the Bentley.

Erskine sighed, and closed the office door with a wave of his hand.

_That guy needs some anger management classes,_ he thought, then chuckled at the thought of Skulduggery squeezing a stress ball, slowly counting to ten, whilst being told what to do by some overly-calm woman.

* * *

><p>Skulduggery and Ghastly pulled up outside Serpine's castle. "We sneak in, get to the cells, get her out of there, then sneak back out," clarified Skulduggery, and the two bolted through the entrance.<p>

They made their way down to the old prisoner cells, remembering the route from when they had previously taken it, although, for Skulduggery, this was one more time than Ghastly. The memories of his and his family's torture briefly returned, but he mentally shook his head with the same air of professionalism as he had done for the last few centuries. He was not going to get distracted tonight.

They reached an old stone corridor, and walked down to the end of it, to see a row of cells, and in one of them sat a bored looking Valkyrie.

Skulduggery rushed to her cell and tried to get the door open, whilst Valkyrie stood up.

"Hi Skulduggery, hi Ghastly. Took your time, didn't you?" she teased.

"Oh, shush," muttered Skulduggery. Ghastly came closer to try and help, yet his hands were batted away by Skulduggery. He rolled his eyes.

"Are you hurt?" Ghastly asked.

"No, just, well... _bored_," she moaned. She then, in true Valkyrie fashion, began to complain.

"There's no ventilation in this cell, it's neither hot nor cold, it's just _boring_. There's barely any light, and my eyes adjusted ages ago, and also there's no need for food. I've got nothing to distract me from the sheer _boredom_, I mean, even the walls and floor are boring, they're just stone, they're just a grey, grey, grey, _grey_ stone. Know what else is grey? The sky, most of the time. I hate grey, it's so boring. If the stones were _black,_ well, now _that_ would be _cool_, 'cause black is such an amazing colour, like how my clothes are black, and my hair, and my eyes are _nearly _black. Much better than grey. And don't get me started on how _uncomfortable_ the floor is, it's just _torture_. I have been sitting down for the past few hours on my-"

"-Valkyrie, please, I'm trying to concentrate!" scolded Skulduggery, now getting sick of her endless tirade. He turned back to the lock, and a few moments later, a _click_ was heard.

He pulled open the door triumphantly, and Valkyrie got out. He hugged her quickly, as did Ghastly, and they turned to leave the castle.

"Goin' somewhere?" asked Sanguine, standing in their path, holding a gun pointed at Valkyrie Cain's head.


	24. Kidnappin' Cain part 3

**Here's the final part of "Kidnappin' Cain". As said, it was just meant to be a short, quick one shot, so sorry to anyone who may have been expecting more of a plot development.**

**Oh, also, before I forget (which is likely), what sort of drabbles would you guys like to see in the future? Adventure, romance, randomness, angst, horror, mystery, etc. Please**** let me know as soon as possible! Thank you! :)**

**Replies:**

**FunkyRaz: Hi, I'm glad you like the ideas! And thanks for the feedback! And yeah I feel for you- school projects are just... Meh -_- And as for TDOTL, I'm still reeling from that bit, too. It was just pure evil. At that moment, my heart was literally in my mouth, and I cried like a million rivers, but then, at that bit with Danny, explaining everything... I felt better. Still not good, but better. I think writing fanfiction is a good way of dealing with the pain :) I can't wait to read your work! Also, if you ever need any help or ideas or just someone to check stuff over with you, PM me any time :) ****Oh, also, 'Libertied Insanity' had an idea for you- quote:**

**"**_**For the other reviewer that snared ideas, she could do one that has the characters, but in an AU, so Val is normal, sees a robbery/mugged, etc, and Skulduggeyf saves her, I produces her to the Mafia? and it goes on from there! Sorry, crappy idea, but YOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!**_**"**

**Valkyrie Smith: Well, I don't know if you can call Valkyrie's usual state normal or sane... Lol but I get what you're saying ;) And don't worry, there will be some Sanguine punching in this chapter :)**

**Libertied Insanity: thank you! And I agree- protective Skulduggery RULES! I remember that bit in Death Bringer when Melancholia beat up and nearly killed Valkyrie, and he was just furious... That was epic! Lol thank you for the feedback on the rant; I always find it hard writing long pieces of dialogue, but I'm glad that this one went down well ;) As for Sanguine's appearance in 'The Hunt of the Dead Men', he'll come soon after the Sanctuary raid, and it will be interesting. Well, so I've planned... And omg I laughed so hard at 'Nasty National Ninja Nan'! Hilarious! Tell your friend that I say 'hi', and that the report sounds really interesting! The idea of it... lol. Just, lol. Might steal it and use it in a Drabble... Haha that would go down well. :) and I will get to work on that Erskine story as soon as I can, i just need to finish another Drabble first, and also do some work on 'the hunt of the dead men'. Glad you like the idea! Sorry to hear about your disaster of a holiday! It sounds dreadful, but at least your ski's didn't get ruined :) Thank you for the review!**

* * *

><p>Skulduggery, Valkyrie and Ghastly froze. Sanguine stepped closer, until the gun was touching Valkyrie's forehead.<p>

"Let her go," threatened Skulduggery, in a low, menacing voice.

"In case y'all haven't noticed," began Sanguine, "I am not restrainin' her in any way. Therefore, I cannot _'let her go'_."

"Step away from her, then," said Ghastly, coming closer to Sanguine.

"Well," said Sanguine, then paused, as if pondering the demand. "Naw," he decided, and with that, Ghastly lunged at him.

He tackled Sanguine to the floor, and drove an elbow into his face. His lip burst open and bright red blood spilled out. Sanguine growled, and hit Ghastly roughly in the head with the butt of the gun. His hold loosened, and Sanguine was able to stand.

"Get out of here!" roared Ghastly, and he leapt up and began driving fists into Sanguine's stomach. Skulduggery needed no further invitation, and he grabbed Valkyrie's hand and raced back to the Bentley.

They jumped in, and Skulduggery started the car, then waited impatiently for Ghastly to finish up with Sanguine. He began drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, much to Valkyrie's annoyance.

"Do you mind?" she growled. She had sat in a cold cell for 24 hours, and was now _finally_ being rescued, only to find that Skulduggery was being even more annoying than the cell was.

"Sorry," Skulduggery muttered, and he promptly began _humming_.

Valkyrie sighed irritably. "_What_?" asked Skulduggery, confused as to what the problem was now.

"Just _shush_," said Valkyrie, wondering how much clearer she needed to make it.

Skulduggery, however, was not ready to shut up yet.

"You know, I went to a lot of trouble to rescue you, and I didn't get a single word of thanks. I nearly got thrown out of the Sanctuary for shouting at Ravel, but do you thank me? _No_. Also, do you know how much petrol costs these days? I had to drive to the Sanctuary, _and_ drive all the way here. I think a thank you is due, don't you? Valkyrie? Valkyrie? _Valkyrie_?"

By this point, Valkyrie had her hands over her ears and was stubbornly refusing to listen, and proceeded to ignore everything Skulduggery was saying. Skulduggery opened his mouth to say something just as stubborn as her actions, when a _BANG_ was heard.

It was a gunshot. It came from the castle.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked at each other. _Who had been shot?_

Sanguine had had the gun when they had last seen him, but Ghastly could've managed to overpower him.

Just then, in the distance, a figure was seen strolling out of the castle. His shirt sleeves were rolled up to the forearms, and his stance was casual, as if he was out for a midday stroll. His bald head gleamed in the sunlight, and his symmetrical scars were worn with an air of pride. Ghastly Bespoke walked up to the Bentley, and got in, grinning.

"Well, that was easy," he said.

"Dead?" asked Skulduggery.

"No, he escaped in the nick of time. I shot his leg and broke his nose, as well as splintered a couple of ribs. He won't be bothering us for a while," he smiled.

Valkyrie sighed. "I'm _bored_," she whined, and with that, another monologue began.

Skulduggery accelerated the car, and started the long drive back to the Sanctuary.


	25. Shadows

**Thanks to Veronica Violet for requesting Wreathkyrie; here it is! I wasn't really sure how to approach it, but if you like it and want more, I might consider doing more parts in it. Or another Wreathkyrie drabble; whatever's chosen. **

**Also, I was thinking of introducing something new to my chapters, details will be at the bottom of this chapter, as I appreciate that there's a lot of writing up here before it starts.**

**Replies to my amazingly talented and unique reviewers;**

**Berlin: Thanks, I've just finished writing it so will post it up soon- thanks again for the idea! And I agree- symmetry, and everything else to do with Ghastly- is important. ;) thank for the reviews!**

**Libertied Insanity: thank you! And we all have our bad spelling days ;) and my IPad does that as well- it just replaces some words with other random ones. I remember once it replaced 'Darquesse' with 'Dark Weasel' ... Don't ask -_- lol good thing i proof-read! And no, sorry, I don't watch 'the hundred'! And I am planning something very interesting with Sanguine, but that won't be for a while. It will, SPOILER, involve romance... ;) lol I can just imagine you bowing and waving like the queen or something haha, and I might be able to fit it in somewhere... Sauna sounds great! And I love that idea as well! Thank you again!**

**Val's 18**

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><p>"Excellent work," praised Solomon Wreath, as he watched his student Valkyrie Cain manipulate the shadows of the graveyard, sending them hurtling as sharp-tipped daggers into the surrounding air, narrowly missing Solomon himself. This particular trick she had picked up within ten minutes, even though the best of Necromancers spent days perfecting it.<p>

"I think that's enough for tonight," he called, and Valkyrie obediently lowered the shadows, and they retracted back into her ring. She walked over to him.

"I am proud of you, Valkyrie," Solomon said. "You are fast excelling in Necromancy, and I look forward to seeing what you become as a result. Your potential is... magnificent."

"Thanks," she said, blushing. Wreath noticed a flash of sadness cross her features. She spoke again.

"We...Solomon, Skulduggery wants me to stop my Necromancy lessons."

"_What_?" said Solomon, shocked. "But you're doing so well." He didn't want her to stop training with him- she was his favourite student, much better than the half-wits he'd mentored previously. Also, he felt that they had a connection, and a special relationship that existed between them. He knew that she felt it, too.

"I know," she said, and Wreath glimpsed tears in her eyes, "but he keeps making all these excuses and points like I'll need to settle in a discipline soon so I should only focus on one, and then he says that it's because I don't want to take Elemental, but I say no, I love Elemental magic..."

She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"I just don't want our lessons to stop," she said, a tear slipping down her face. Wreath stepped closer to her, and gently wiped the tear away. She looked up, into his dark eyes, that sat upon his pale face. He was handsome, _so_ handsome, especially when bathed in the moonlight. His black hair fell across one eye, and she slowly brushed it back as she leaned in, and then their lips met.

Their kiss turned deeper, and Valkyrie subconsciously put her arms around his neck, while his hands went to her waist. He pulled back slightly after a minute.

"Valkyrie," he murmured, "this is wrong..."

"I love you, Solomon Wreath," she whispered.

"I love you, too, Valkyrie Cain," he said, and rested his forehead against hers. "What about Skulduggery?"

"He doesn't have to find out," she said, smiling. She knew that if he did, he would target Solomon and make sure he didn't get out alive.

"He will- he found out about the vampire, didn't he?"

"This is different. We train together, I can use that as an excuse," she said defiantly.

Wreath leaned in and kissed her again, going deeper than before. The two lovers remained entwined under the pale moonlight until the sun came and chased the darkness away.

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><p><strong>Please review your feedback on this chapter, and whether you want more parts or more Wreathkyries, or if this should just be left as a one-shot. Thanks!<strong>

**So, I came across a Skulduggery Pleasant 30 Days Challenge (by 'lordvileindisguise'), and it basically has a different question every day about your opinion on Skulduggery Pleasant. I really liked it, and so I thought that I would incorporate it into my stories, and that I'd ask one question per update, but then I realised that that would drag on for a while, so I'll ask two questions per update, and my answers will be written under it in italics. I'm really interested to find out what you guys all think, so please review with your answers! I'm also posting this on my other story, and there will also be two questions per update.**

**Q1: Who's your favourite character?**

**_Ummm either Anton or Ghastly. Lol funny how both of them were killed by the same person, at the same time. Umm agh I can't choose! Anton! No, Ghastly! No, Anton! Okay, Anton._**

**Q2: Who's your least favourite character?**

**_Either the reflection or China, off the top of my head. Ummm the reflection._ **

**Please review with your responses! As well as your opinions on the Drabble. Thank you! **


	26. Paint

**Hi, I am back! Sorry for not updating either of my stories, I posted this message on my other story but I'll do it again here just in case anyone missed it:**

**I had an accident and fell which resulted in various cuts all over the left side of my body, and a large scar on my face, a bit like Dusk -_- I'm not sure how often updates will come, as, as you can imagine, I'm not in the best mood for writing at the moment, and I'm also fairly busy with schoolwork, and my birthday is coming up on the 19th. I think if I receive sufficient reviews and interest, then I'll make the effort to update really soon, otherwise it may be up to a week before the next update. :)**

**Also, thank you to everyone who replied to the two questions that I asked, here are the overall results, which I also put up on 'the hunt of the dead men':**

**1. Favourite character:**

**1st place- Ghastly Bespoke**

**2nd place- (joint) Valkyrie Cain / Darquesse**

**2. Least Favourite character:**

**1st place: the Reflection**

**2nd place: (joint) practically everyone else mentioned; Black Annis, Eliza Scorn, Dusk, Samuel, Erskine, Beryl.**

**The next two questions are at the bottom of this chapter.**

**Based on feedback, I don't think I'll continue the Wreathkyrie Drabble, although I might do so in the future. For this next Drabble, thank you to Alexa for requesting them walking in on Valkyrie while she's getting dressed****.**

**Replies:**

**Valkyrie Smith: lol thank you! I like this pairing, too! I like Anton because he seemed, like you said, strong and silent, and he's a skilled fighter, and he's direct and to the point, and only speaks if he has something useful to say. And he's witty as well- I can just remember that line in dark days when they're at the midnight hotel about to fight the zombies, and a guest is like "i always wanted to fight a horde of zombies" and then it said, ""At the Midnight Hotel," Anton said in his quiet voice, "we aim to please." Lol I'll never forget that quote! And I love ghastly, too. Especially in that bit in kingdom of the wicked, when it refers to Ghastly as a father figure. And he's funny. "See, I can make jokes, too." He says that bit in LSODM, when he's told that Saracen's story is fake. OMG loved that bit. And Saracen. **

**Veronica Violet: Thank you! And no, it doesn't make you a bad person! I was so so soooo happy, too, when she died. Maybe we're both bad people. XD **

**Berlin: i love that! I've got it stuck in my head now! Lol but seriously i really love it! I'm going to hunt for it on the internet now. I also use a ruler for any lines, no matter how small, but I draw the line (excuse the pun) at two different rulers- although they do sound good for violence! :) I agree- Darquesse is... Damn. And awesome metaphor- she played around with the world as her dissection lab... Love it! Haha lol Beryl... Good choice! **

**FunkyRaz: thank you! I was exactly the same as you after finishing TDOTL- any indication of any sort towards a skeleton, or a Bentley, or even just a suit or hat, and I would be off on a crying marathon. And I haven't started reading anything else yet, either. And I saw your update... Wow! Seriously, WOW! Love love love the story! Hope it continues soon! Your writing style is so fluent and descriptive and... Wow. And for your suggestion of a drunk val, I am writing it, and I will post it for the next chapter. Waffle. waffle. :D**

**Libertied Insanity: what a lovely way to start a review! WOOOOOOOOOOPPPP to you too! :P i completely understand your point of view, and Valduggery does seem like its destined to be. And okay okay you're a person! Please don't evil glare at me, and please review with your eyes open! ;) okay now I feel like cookies. Haha lol your friend must have been pretty freaked out! And thanks for the request, I'll get started asap.**

**Val's 18 in this Drabble.**

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><p>"Skulduggery!" exclaimed Valkyrie. She had decided that the mansion's living room needed a repaint, so she had rounded up the Dead Men and persuaded them to help her. They had agreed fairly quickly, having had nothing better to do.<p>

However, there were certain people she wished she hadn't invited, such as the skeleton beside her, who was painting his section of the wall a completely different colour to the rest of them. He looked up, oblivious.

"What?" he asked.

Valkyrie took a deep breath, and tried very hard to remain calm. "What colour are you painting the wall?" she asked, in an overly calm voice.

"Black."

"Why?" she asked, exasperated.

"Because it's your favourite colour!" he answered.

"What colour are the others painting the wall?"

He looked around. "Ah," he said.

"Exactly. The walls are meant to be _beige_, not _black_!"

"Sorry," he said, nonchalantly.

"Where did you even get black paint _from_? Valkyrie only brought beige and white," asked Anton.

Skulduggery cocked his head to one side. "I'm not entirely sure..." he said, thoughtfully.

Valkyrie sighed, and handed him a bucket of beige paint. "Leave that section for now, when it dries, paint over it in beige. Now start on another bit," she commanded.

Skulduggery saluted her, and got to work. However, merely five minutes later, another disaster occurred.

Ghastly, who had been on a ladder painting the ceiling white, had been balancing the paint bucket on the step above him of the ladder. However, Saracen wasn't concentrating where he was putting his feet, and stepped on a slippery patch of spilt paint. He went skidding into Anton, who cursed, and stumbled back into the ladder.

The ladder wobbled and shook, but Erskine used air manipulation to stop it from falling. Unfortunately, this didn't stop the paint bucket from falling off the ladder...

...and straight onto Valkyrie.

She shrieked, and instantly jumped up. Her hair was covered in white paint, as were her top and jeans. She looked at Ghastly, Anton and Saracen with murder in her eyes.

"It was Saracen," said Ghastly and Anton together, whilst Saracen sheepishly looked at the floor.

Valkyrie tried very hard to remain calm, and tried to find a way to speak that didn't involve swearing. However, she couldn't, so just turned and walked out of the room, going to shower and change her clothes.

Saracen started snickering, until Anton elbowed him in the ribs.

* * *

><p>Valkyrie came out of the shower half an hour later, and wrapped a towel around herself. She tried to dry her hair by drawing out the moisture with her air powers, but it was still a little damp. She went into her bedroom, and rooted around for her clothes. She laid them on the bed, opting first to finish drying and to comb out her hair, and make sure that the paint and its smell was definitely gone.<p>

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><p>"Val's been gone a while," noted Dexter. He had finished his half of the wall he was painting with Erskine, and had moved on to the next.<p>

"Yes, she has," agreed Skulduggery. "Why don't you go see what she's doing?" In truth, he just wanted Dexter out of the way, as he felt that he could paint better than any of the others, so was determined to beat them all and do most of the living room himself, to prove his brilliance and speed. However, Dexter was progressing quicker, so by having him out of the way, Skulduggery was sure that he could take the lead.

Dexter nodded, and Saracen spoke up, "I'll come, too."

The two of them raced up the stairs to Valkyrie's room. They burst in, and were not expecting to see a naked Valkyrie drying her hair with a towel.

* * *

><p>Valkyrie looked up in surprise as Dexter and Saracen burst into her bedroom. She whipped the towel around herself, even though it was <em>tiny<em>, and only just covered the essential stuff, and a furious look crossed her features.

Dexter and Saracen just stared at her. They hadn't known how hot her body was, especially naked, or covered with a teensy tiny towel.

"Do you mind?" she growled.

They snapped out of their trance, and muttered apologies, before turning and heading down the stairs. Valkyrie could hear them talking to each other about her and her body, and anger invaded her mind. However, she took a deep, calming breath, letting it out slowly. _We are just painting my living room,_ she told herself._ I will not get angry over something as stupid as two hot men seeing me naked. I will go down there, and we will continue painting._

Satisfied with herself, she pulled on her clothes, tied her hair up, and walked down the stairs and into the living room.

* * *

><p>Almost immediately after her entrance, Saracen and Dexter stopped their conversation with Erskine and looked up quickly, almost guiltily. She knew that they had been talking about her.<p>

She shrugged it all off and went back to her section of the wall, and continued to paint. Then, a thought struck her. She walked up to Dexter and Saracen, a menacing look on her face. She looked Saracen in the eye. "You knew I was nude in there, didn't you?" she said in a low voice. Saracen just smirked. "Well, yeah, I guess. I know things, remember?" he replied smugly. Valkyrie gave him a parting death glare, not wanting to press the matter any further, and got back to painting. However, not long after, another disaster struck.

Erskine, unknown to her, walked up behind Valkyrie with a paint bucket. He glanced back at Dexter and Saracen, who were grinning, and proceeded to pour the paint all over Valkyrie.

She shrieked again, and stood up menacingly. "Erskine! WHAT THE HELL?" she roared.

"Sorry, I tripped," said Erskine, feigning innocence. Valkyrie knew what this was about. He wanted her to go back and change her clothes again, so he could burst in on her and catch her nude. She smiled. Anton, Ghastly and Skulduggery were looking over, probably wondering why Valkyrie was covered in paint again.

"Guess I'd better go get changed. Again," she said calmly, determined not to let these three year olds get to her. She left the living room and went up to the shower.

Like before, she spent half and hour in there, and then wrapped a towel around herself. She left the bathroom and entered her bedroom. Sure enough, a few seconds later, she could hear Erskine make an excuse as to why he should leave the living room, and he then came towards the stairs. She could hear his footsteps, and that he was trying hard not to make any noise.

She smirked, and locked her bedroom door, and then proceeded to get changed in peace, with no worry of someone disturbing her. A few seconds later, someone tried to turn the handle, but realised it was locked.

Erskine cursed, then went back downstairs, trudging and stomping loudly, clearly in a strop. Valkyrie smiled to herself. Now it was time for her to get her revenge.

* * *

><p>She walked back into the living room, and went straight to Ghastly. She was sure that he would help her, seeing as Saracen had nearly knocked him off the ladder. She told him her plan to empty the buckets of paint on the others simultaneously, meaning that <em>they<em> would have to get changed. However, the only spare clothes she had in the house were _hers_, meaning that the three would be fitted in Valkyrie's old dresses. Ghastly eagerly agreed, and she told him to wait for her signal.

Next, she approached Anton. She explained the plan, and said that Ghastly was targeting Saracen. Anton eagerly agreed, and said that he would like to get Dexter.

Finally, she approached Skulduggery, and explained the plan once again in a low voice to him. He chuckled slightly. "Count me in," he said, and got ready to get Erskine.

Valkyrie walked back to her section of wall. She, however, had a surprise for the three. In her fist was a handful of pink glitter, which she planned to throw at them after the paint was applied.

"Saracen," she began loudly.

Saracen looked over. "Yes?" he answered, a small smirk upon his lips.

"Did you know that the sparrow flies south for winter?"

Saracen barely had time to look surprised when he was showered with a bucket of paint from above, where Ghastly was still on the ladder. Dexter laughed, but was quickly cut off when Anton dumped another bucket of paint on him. And he literally dunked the bucket on his head as well, leaving Dexter stumbling around, trying to prise it off. He did so a minute later, after rebounding off all of the walls at least once.

Erskine was laughing, too, but that soon stopped when Skulduggery poured paint all over him as well. He stepped back, looked at his work, then, seemingly unsatisfied, grabbed another bucket and dunked even more paint on Erskine.

Valkyrie ran forward and threw the pink glitter over the three of them. The four of them stepped back and admired their work.

Dexter, Saracen and Erskine were covered head to toe in paint, both white and beige, as well as having a fresh dusting of pink glitter on them. They looked _hilarious_.

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><p>Once they had stopped laughing at the three of them and had finished taking countless numbers of pictures of them on their phones, and they had gone and gotten showered and cleaned up, they walked back into the living room with a towel wrapped around the lower half of each. "Val," began Dexter.<p>

"Yes?" she answered, knowing full well what he was going to ask.

"Do you have any spare clothes?" he asked sheepishly.

Valkyrie smiled and put down her paintbrush. "Follow me," she said, and led them up the stairs and into her room. They waited impatiently while she rummaged around in her wardrobe.

She eventually pulled out three dresses. One was frilly and pink, and had large, puffed up sleeves. It went down to the floor. Valkyrie remembered wearing it, well, her _reflection_ wearing it, for her school pantomime a few years ago. The second dress was short and yellow, and covered in sunflower images, some big, some small. It had a low front and spaghetti straps. Beryl had given it to her for her seventeenth birthday, and she often had nightmares about wearing it. The third dress was in the style of a Victorian maid, and Valkyrie remembered how her teacher had asked her to keep it after the school concert, to which Valkyrie had reluctantly agreed. She had never worn these three dresses in her life, and had no wish to ever do so, so she had no problem with letting the men wear them.

She laid the dresses on the bed. "They're all yours," she smiled.

"But..." protested Erskine weakly.

"Sorry, boys, but they're all I've got. Take it or leave it."

Grumbling, Dexter picked up the Victorian styled dress, and pulled it over his head, dropping the towel once the dress was safely over. Saracen sighed, and chose the yellow one, and did the same. She suppressed a laugh. It just about covered his manly bits. Erskine, being the last and slowest to choose, picked up the pink, frilly ballgown dress, and attempted to put it on. However, he managed to get stuck.

Valkyrie came over and tried to help him, and eventually between the two of them, they got Erskine dressed in it. He looked down at himself. It looked even worse up close.

"Come on, then," said Valkyrie cheerily, and she led them down the stairs and back to the living room. She entered and stood aside, waiting for the others.

Dexter came in first, and Ghastly burst out laughing. "You complete twit!" he said, laughing hard.

Next to enter was Saracen, who was desperately clutching the hem and trying to pull it down so he didn't reveal too much. This time, even Anton started laughing at the sight of Saracen in a yellow sunflower dress, and Skulduggery wolf-whistled, sneakily sending a gust of wind every now and then to try and catch Saracen off guard.

Last to enter was Erskine. Even though she had already seen him, Valkyrie _had_ to laugh again at the sight of the Grand Mage of the Irish Sanctuary in a massive, frilly, bright pink dress, which hugged him rather tightly. By now, all four of them were laughing, and even Dexter and Saracen were smirking at each other, mainly over the sight of Erskine.

Fumbling for her phone, she took as many pictures as she could, before collapsing on the floor laughing breathlessly.

_She had to start doing this more often._

* * *

><p><strong>The next questions:<strong>

**Q3: Who is a character that you hate/dislike, that everyone else loves?**

**_ummm I'm not sure... I think Tanith; sometimes she can just get really annoying, and the stuff she did while possessed was infuriating, even though it wasn't her fault. So yeah, Tanith, because she can get on my nerves, possessed or unpossessed._**

**Q4: Who is a character that you love, that everyone else hates?**

**_Solomon Wreath. He is witty, charming, intelligent, strong, handsome, powerful, etc. Solomon Wreath without a doubt._**

**Let me know your opinions!**


	27. Darquesse is Coming to Town

**Just a quick parody of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' Darquesse style. As soon as Berlin have me this idea, I realised I HAD to do it :) hope you enjoy, and thanks again to Berlin!**

* * *

><p>You'd better beware<p>

'Cause you're gonna cry

Screams fill the air

As planet Earth dies

Darquesse is burning the town

Darquesse is burning the town

Darquesse is burning the town

/

She's killing you all

There's nowhere to run

She'll watch you fall

Then put out the sun

Darquesse is burning the town

Darquesse is burning the town

Darquesse is burning the town

/

She'll kill you while you're sleeping

She'll murder as you wake

She'll reduce the world to clouds of ash

And bake you like a cake

/

There's nowhere to hide

You won't be saved

Everyone's died

'Cause Darquesse has raved

Darquesse is burning the town

Darquesse is burning the town

Darquesse is burning the town


	28. The Drunken Skeleton

**Happy birthday to me**

**I love Skulduggery**

**I have the world's best readers**

**How much happier can I be?**

**/**

**Happy birthday to me**

**I want a hug from Ghastly**

**I saw a mole in my garden**

**It reminded me of Sanguine**

**/**

**Happy birthday to me**

**I wanna drive the Bentley**

**I'd probably crash it**

**And get killed by Skulduggery**

**/**

**Okay I'm done. Thank you for all the birthday wishes! Really appreciated :)**

**Replies:**

**Berlin: lol omg you always have some of the funniest reviews! Haha made me laugh out loud :) and I tried singing that under my breath, and my friend just looked at me like I was a psycho about to kill her ;) lol thanks again! And for the song! **

**pleasantlycain: Hi! Glad you liked that chapter, and thank you very much for the requests! I'll do more drabbles like that in the future, and I love those pairings you suggested- I've already sort of brushed upon them in my other story, but i think it'll be a good idea to do a proper Valskine and Valcen drabble, thanks for suggesting them! And thanks for the feedback, you're a great writer as well, I love your current story!**

**Guest: thank you for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it and thought it was funny! **

**Libertied Insanity: okay first things first, I just have to say this; whenever I write your name, I automatically smile- i just love it! LIBERTIED INSANITY okay I'm smiling again :) anyway, glad you liked the chapter! And nevermind, I don't like peppermint anyway ;) lol I'll just stick with the cookies ;) and yeah I'm fine, the scar is beginning to fade, although it will probably be a while until it's completely gone. Everyone's alive! Thanks again ;)**

**So, Valkyrie's 16 in this Drabble. I was re-reading Death Bringer recently, and there was this line about Valkyrie getting dropped in the penguin enclosure and now being scared of penguins, and I was just like OMG this is like fate, considering all the talk about penguins we had previously. **

**So, thank you to 'Guest' (Dec 2014) who first mentioned penguins, and how their friend's scared of them. And thanks to Libertied Insanity who also mentioned penguins. And creepy penguin songs that end in murder. ;) ****And thank you to Berlin who came up with the idea of someone being drunk and seeing penguins everywhere. And pasta. Berlin mentioned pasta. I've managed to put that into the story, believe it or not ;)**

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><p>Skulduggery wandered into his kitchen. It was a week after the Christmas party, which had, for some <em>stupid<em> reason, been held in his house. He could see some beer cans left on the counter, some still miraculously unopened. He walked over to them, and sighed. How he missed alcohol.

He opened the can, and put a bit on his skeletal finger. He inhaled, wanting to smell the sweet aroma of it, but was unable to. He, just for a laugh, even put it against his jaw, yet he was unable to taste it. He tried once more, in a last pathetic attempt, and wiped the beer off on a tooth. He sighed. In his mind, he could still taste the lovely, addictive flavour of beer.

He paused. That wasn't in his mind. He really _could_ taste the beer. He tried again, rubbing two teeth with beer. It worked! He could taste it! And better yet, he was getting tipsy.

And so, for the first time in centuries, on a Thursday morning, Skulduggery Pleasant got drunk.

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><p>Valkyrie knocked on Skulduggery's door. She hadn't seen him at all in the Sanctuary, despite the fact that they were meant to be working on a case together, so she had decided to investigate his disappearance. With nothing better to do, Ghastly and Tanith had come along, too.<p>

Valkyrie knocked again, after getting no answer. This time, however, a slurred "Coming!" was heard from inside. Moments later, the door was opened. Their mouths fell open in shock.

Skulduggery was standing there, a beer can in one hand, and a bowl of pasta in the other. His jacket was missing, and his shirt was, for once, _creased_. His hat, usually so perfectly cocked over one eye, was pushed right back, and was in danger of falling off. His trousers were wrinkled, and his shoes were on the wrong way round. And I don't mean in terms of left and right- I mean that they literally were the wrong way, as in facing _backwards_.

Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery. Ghastly looked at Skulduggery. Tanith looked at the pasta, and then at Skulduggery.

Ghastly was the first to speak. "Skulduggery... Are you _drunk_?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Skulduggery, and he jumped into the air, and danced back into the house. The others followed, warily.

"How the hell can you be drunk?" asked Valkyrie. "You can't drink!"

Skulduggery paused, and turned back towards them. "Are you telling me what I can and can't do?" he asked, menacingly.

"For God's sake Skulduggery! You're a skeleton, it's a bloody fact, not an _instruction_!" she said.

"Oh," he said, and continued dancing happily down the hall. He entered the main living room, and the others followed him.

"Uh, Skulduggery," began Tanith. "How much beer have you _had_?"

Skulduggery stopped dancing and put a finger on his chin, and tilted his head, deep in thought.

He stayed like this for a few minutes.

Valkyrie looked around, waiting for something to happen. She was tempted to just smack him in the skull, but decided to leave that for Ghastly.

All of a sudden, Skulduggery's head snapped up again. "I don't know," he confessed, but by now, everyone had forgotten the question they'd asked in the first place.

"How do you get a skeleton sober?" wondered Tanith out loud.

Suddenly, Skulduggery collapsed into an armchair. Unfortunately, he was still conscious.

"You alright there, Skul?" asked Ghastly, coming over. Skulduggery's head whipped round at him.

"No! No! Nooooooo!" he yelled, shielding himself.

Ghastly stopped, confused. He looked back at the others, wondering what he should do next.

Skulduggery, on the other hand, was in trauma. The alcohol had gotten to his non-existent brain, and was making him hallucinate. And just what was he hallucinating? Penguins. Yup, to him, everyone in that room had turned into a human-sized penguin. And what was the great Skeleton Detective afraid of, ever since Erskine had dared him to watch Happy Feet? Penguins!

"No! Stay back! I'm warning you! You'll never take me alive! Back, penguins, get _back_!" he continued to yell.

Ghastly frowned. "Did he just say..."

"Yup," confirmed Tanith.

"Why the _hell_ are you talking about penguins?" asked Ghastly to Skulduggery.

"Penguins...Penguins...Penguins," muttered Skulduggery to himself over and over, bringing his knees up to his chest, rocking slowly forwards and backwards on his armchair.

"I think he's hallucinating," said Tanith.

Ghastly nodded his agreement. He turned to Valkyrie, who was still behind him, to ask what she thought they should do with him, but stopped when she saw her hyperventilating.

"Are you alright, Val?"

"Penguins. I'm scared of penguins. Nasty little penguins. Beaks and feathers and wings. Stupid penguins. Scary penguins. _WHERE ARE THE PENGUINS?_"

"Oh yeah, she's scared of penguins," said Tanith, understanding. "She told me about it- her dad dropped her in the penguin enclosure at the zoo when she was little, and she's been terrified of them ever since."

"Valkyrie, there are no penguins," said Ghastly. "Skulduggery's just drunk and imagining it, aren't you Skulduggery?" He stepped towards Skulduggery, who whimpered.

"No! Get back! Penguins get back!" He threw the bowl of pasta, that he was still clutching, at Ghastly, who sprang back and glared at Skulduggery.

"_Skulduggery_! You've ruined my new shirt!" roared Ghastly, and launched himself at Skulduggery, intending to cover _his_ clothes in pasta as well.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Skulduggery wailed mournfully, as the giant penguin leapt on him. He promptly passed out in fear.

Tanith looked around her. Valkyrie was on the sofa, her knees tucked under her chin, rocking back and forth, muttering about penguins. Skulduggery was passed out on his armchair. Ghastly was on top of Skulduggery attempting to wipe the pasta off onto him.

She broke into a grin, and went off to look for Skulduggery's beer.

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><p><strong>Next two questions:<strong>

**Q5: What is a scene that made you laugh?**

**_Nearly all of them, but the only one I can think of at the moment is:_**

**_"It's Dexter," Skulduggery said._**

**_She sat up in bed, horrified. "They killed him?"_**

**_"What? No. Tanith has him."_**

**_"She killed him?"_**

**_"Stop thinking someone killed him."_**

**_Loved it so much I memorised it!_**

**Q6: Which character are you most like?**

**_I think I'm most like Anton; quiet, only speaks if needed, witty, can be menacing, etc._**


	29. Bonding

**This is just a quick update I wrote because I couldn't be bothered to do my English homework, so I just did this instead ;) I'll reply to reviews in the next update.**

**This was inspired by a piece of fan art I saw a while ago, and Val's 17/18 in this.**

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><p>"Are you sure about this?" asked Valkyrie.<p>

"Yes," replied Skulduggery, after only a slight hesitation. "Are you?"

"I just... I've never done this before."

"Remember, there's a first time for everyone," reassured Skulduggery.

She faced him. "Even you?"

"Even me," he chuckled.

"I can't imagine that," admitted Valkyrie.

He turned to her. "Trust me."

She took a deep breath. "I'm ready." She moved slightly, and her hand rested on top of Skulduggery's. "I trust you, Skulduggery."

"Then let's do this, shall we?" he said, in his velvet voice.

She inserted the key and twisted, and the Bentley roared to life. "Thank you for teaching me how to drive your Bentley, Skul," she grinned.

"Let's just get this over with," he muttered. Valkyrie put the car in reverse, and applied pressure to the pedal. Too much pressure.

The Bentley shot backwards through the deserted field which Skulduggery had found for them to practice in, and swerved violently left and right as Valkyrie yanked the steering wheel one way, and Skulduggery yanked it the other.

Neither of them saw the cow.


	30. Bonding with a Bentley

**Hellooo! This is another quick update; a follow up from the last Drabble, 'Bonding', as requested by Berlin. **

**I'll update again either later today or early tomorrow, and I'll reply to any reviews then.**

**Thanks again to Berlin for requesting this!**

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><p>Skulduggery stood by his Bentley. His beautiful, most valuable possession, which had seen him through thick and thin, and had saved his life on numerous occasions. His wonderful, gorgeous beauty of a Bentley.<p>

Which was now lying overturned in the middle of a field. Broken. Bashed. Covered in manure. And dandelions.

Valkyrie approached him cautiously. "You know, Skul, it was time you got a new car anyway. Who knows, maybe it's gone to Bentley heaven. Or hell. He he..." she laughed weakly, then trailed off as Skulduggery slowly turned his head to her.

"Valkyrie, I don't think you understand what you have done," he said, his voice dripping with annoyance and menace.

Valkyrie thought back to that blissful moment in the now deceased Bentley, before she had put the key in the ignition. Before everything was ruined. She closed her eyes, and relived the memory, and the events that had happened after.

_"Thank you for teaching me how to drive your Bentley, Skul," she said, to which he muttered, "let's just get this over with."_

_She put the car in reverse. Then she put her foot on the pedal. The car moved backwards, as expected. But too far backwards. And too fast._

_They shot through the field, the car swerving left and right. "No, Valkyrie, you're doing it all _wrong_!" Skulduggery yelled, and he tried to wrench the steering wheel from her grip. She stubbornly refused to let go. "No! You're meant to be teaching _me _how to drive- this isn't just some free time where you can drive your own car. Now shush and let me concentrate!"_

_Valkyrie wrenched the wheel one way and Skulduggery wrenched it the other. Suddenly, the car was spinning, and Valkyrie cried out in fright. Skulduggery cried out in fear of his Bentley being wrecked. They both started yelling, Valkyrie going "Skulduggery!" and Skulduggery saying "Valkyrie!", both blaming the other._

_The car came to a stop on its side. Valkyrie pushed open the door that was now above her, and climbed out. Skulduggery came out beside her. She looked in the direction they had come in, in an attempt to figure out what had caused the crash. Then she saw it._

_A cow._

_A bloody, friggin' _cow_._

_Valkyrie screamed with frustration. Skulduggery, too, noticed the cow. Surprisingly, it was unharmed, and he figured that they must have just caught the side of it, and that change in angle, combined with the slippery mud of the recently-rained-on field, meant that the Bentley had gone flying._

_He turned back to Valkyrie and the Bentley, and if he had possessed eyes, they would have fallen out of their sockets with shock._

_For some bizarre, stupid, unknown reason, that undoubtedly only Valkyrie would understand the logic of, she was throwing manure at the Bentley._

_So surprised was Skulduggery, that he was frozen in place, as the Bentley abuse continued. Once Valkyrie had thrown what she thought was enough manure on the Bentley, she proceeded to start picking dandelions from the grass around them._

_Skulduggery tilted his head. "What are you _doing_!?"_

_Valkyrie turned to him with a glare that could kill. "Your stupid Bentley hit that stupid cow and ruined my driving lesson and I JUST HATE IT AND DONT QUESTION ME, SKELETON!" Valkyrie exclaimed, and started throwing the dandelions all over the Bentley._

Valkyrie opened her eyes. The whole situation didn't look much better. "I understand what I did, Skulduggery," she replied, almost philosophically. "I understand."

"Valkyrie, that car was one of only 208 ever made. It was special. It was unique. It-"

"Actually," interrupted Valkyrie, "it wasn't unique if there were 208 more."

Skulduggery turned and faced her. "Valkyrie, I loved that car."

"Oh, lighten up! It was only a car. You can buy another one- you've got enough money. Look, if you want, I'll let you drive the Oompa Loompa whenever you want to, okay?"

"Valkyrie are you saying that my car, my precious, precious, expensive car, can be replaced by your pile of junk?"

"Harsh. That was harsh." And Valkyrie began to walk away, leaving Skulduggery standing in the middle of a deserted field, next to a crashed car that was falling apart, covered with dandelions and manure.

He began digging its grave.

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><p><strong>The next two questions:<strong>

**Q7: What's your favourite fight scene?**

_**wow I have so many, but it has to be the one in Mortal Coil against Tesseract, when they were all at Skulduggery's house (Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Ghastly, Erskine, Tanith vs Tesseract). Also, not only was it awesome, but it was the first time they all fought together, and the first time we saw Erskine fight.**_

**Q8: What is a scene that made you emotional?**

**_*MAJOR SPOILERS FOR LSODM AND TDOTL, DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU HAVENT READ THESE BOOKS*_**

**_So, so many... Ghastly and Anton's death, Alice's death, Sanguine's death, heck I even cried at Thrasher's death. But the worst has to be that Accelerator bit. Skulduggery's assumed death. Yeah, that hit me bad._**


	31. The Drunken Sorceress

**Hello! Here is the next Drabble! Regarding the last couple of chapters, there was a lot of 'I wasn't expecting that' and 'I thought they were doing something else'- would you like me to do more of that sort of thing, just to keep you on your toes? ;) i already did with 'Conversations' and now with 'Bonding', but if that sort of stuff is popular, I'd be more than happy to oblige :)**

**Review replies;**

**Valkyrie Smith: wow I did not know that... not sure i believe it either... ;)**

**Libertied Insanity: I sort of just came up with a birthday song on the spot, then couldn't stop and ended up doing like six of them :) thanks for finding it funny! And for joining the talk about penguins which inspired the fanfic! Haha yeah my mother does that a lot, too ;) and I completely agree- it was such a massive coincidence! As soon as I saw it in Death bringer i was like WTS (what the Skulduggery) lol i love Desmond's forgetful bits as well! And yeah I'm happy about the lack of scars ;) And you're right- well done Berlin for the amazing ideas of penguins and pasta! Omg i love that bit as well, where Skul offers hugs to everyone, I agree, it shows how much he loves and missed Val- he was even willing to hug China, the woman who helped kill his family, and the Black a Cleaver, the person responsible for Ghastly turning into a statue. I'm glad you enjoy reviewing, and don't worry about the length of your reviews, they're always fun to read! I'm the one who should be apologising, for my three hour long replies! XD**

**iriskary: wow thank you so much! Any ideas would be appreciated, but I honestly think that you're more than capable of writing amazing stories, judging by your current fanfics. Also, I'm not sure if I've said this before, but your profile pic is beautiful! Definitely one of my favourites :) thank you very much again!**

**Berlin: lol omg your reviews make me laugh so hard all the time! Haha :) god im gonna be falling off a bed in a minute, let alone you are! Hope you liked part 2, thank you for asking for a continuation of it :)**

**So, thank you to FunkyRaz for requesting a drunk Valkyrie getting overly affectionate towards Skulduggery!**

**val's 18**

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><p>Skulduggery sat heavily on Valkyrie's sofa. It was now 2am, and she had been out clubbing with Tanith for nearly seven hours. He had offered to stay up and wait for her at the mansion for when she got back, but he hadn't realised that she'd take this <em>long.<em>

Just then, he heard a giggling coming from the front of the house. He got up and walked into the hallway, and opened the front door. Valkyrie was standing there, her short black dress with a couple of drink stains on it. She was having trouble keeping her balance, and literally stumbled into Skulduggery. She turned and waved to the driver in the taxi she had arrived in, and kept going until he was long gone.

Skulduggery gently led her to the living room, where she collapsed onto the sofa. She yanked Skulduggery's arm and he fell next to her.

"Hi, Skul," she slurred. "That was some pance darty!"

"Hello, Valkyrie. How much did you have to drink?"

"Uhhhhh..." she said, and tilted her head in thought. A few moments later, it snapped back again towards Skulduggery. "Dunno. I had a beer. And a beer. And a beer. And a vodka. And a beer. And a beer. And my dress had some beer, too. And a cock. Tail," she added as an afterthought.

Skulduggery sighed and shook his head. "God, Valkyrie, you are a strange drunk."

"I'm not drunk. I'm un-drunk."

"You mean sober."

"Yes."

"Come on, off to bed with you, Valkyrie," and with that, he hauled her off the sofa, and dragged her up the stairs to her bedroom. She tumbled into the room and collapsed onto the bed, her dress riding up slightly.

"Um Valkyrie," began Skulduggery. She sat up and looked at him.

"What, Skul-Skully-Skul-Skulllll?" she slurred.

"Firstly, do not call me that again. Secondly, are you going to bed dressed like that?"

Valkyrie kicked off her high heeled shoes. "Better?"

Skulduggery sighed. "Much."

Suddenly, Valkyrie yanked on his arm again, and Skulduggery practically fell on top of her onto the bed. Valkyrie giggled.

"Gettin' a bit frisky are we, Skul?"

"Valkyrie-"

"You know, Skul, there's a skeleton inside me."

Skulduggery wrenched his arm free, and sat next to her on the bed. "That's very interesting, Valkyrie, but I don't like where you're going with this..."

Valkyrie lay down on the bed, her head hitting her pillow slowly. She gazed forlornly at her ceiling. She sighed. "You know, Skul," she slurred softly, "sometimes I look up at the ceiling, and you know what I see?"

"What?" asked Skulduggery, lying down next to her, expecting her to say something wise and philosophical. He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up.

"I see a giant purple moon, and then it morphs into a candy floss, and I try and eat it and end up licking the ceiling. Like this," and she promptly attempted to lick Skulduggery's skull.

He cried out in surprise, and tried to fend Valkyrie off. She eventually calmed down, and snuggled closer to Skulduggery.

"You know, Skul," she said, her speech still heavily slurred from the alcohol, "here we are, you and me, and you, lying here in my room, on my bed, side by side, all alone..."

Skulduggery remained silent and still. _Maybe she'll forget I'm here?_ he hoped as a last resort.

Valkyrie turned so she was facing him. She stroked his skull softly. "Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. Sku-"

"-What is it, Valkyrie?" asked Skulduggery, who wanted her to shut up.

"Do you have a bone down there?"

Skulduggery saw this as his cue to leave, and got up, but Valkyrie kept a strong grip on his arm, keeping him sitting next to her. She got up and went to sit in his lap, one leg on either side of his waist.

"Valkyrie, I don't know what you're doing, but please-" he was cut off by Valkyrie pulling on his tie, undoing it clumsily and throwing it aside on the bed.

"Valkyrie..." Skulduggery tried. He could beat monsters and gods any day, but drunk horny teenagers... Hell no!

Valkyrie began unbuttoning his shirt, grinning madly. She got stuck on the third button, and tried to pull it off. However, the shirt was made by none other than Ghastly Bespoke, so the button stayed on. She thumped Skulduggery's chest with frustration, and crossed her arms.

"Even when drunk, Valkyrie Cain still manages to sulk," said Skulduggery. He received a sharp elbow to the ribs.

"I'm not drunk. I've just eaten a lot of beer."

"You mean drunk," Skulduggery pointed out.

"I'm not drunk!" she repeated defiantly.

"No, I meant... Never mind," sighed Skulduggery. Valkyrie got off him gracelessly and lay down on the bed again.

She looked up at him with her best puppy dog eyes. "Tuck me in?"

"If it means you go to sleep," said Skulduggery. He got up and walked around the bed, and pulled the covers up to her chin. She put on the puppy eyes again. "Sleep with me?"

Trying to ignore the dirty meaning she was probably implying, Skulduggery lay next to her on the covers. She once again snuggled closer.

"You know, Skul," she slurred, "you and me are lying in my bed in my room in my bed all alone... And neither of us have any underwear on," she added.

"Valkyrie!" exclaimed Skulduggery, while Valkyrie laughed manically.

Skulduggery sighed. _This will be a loooooooong night_.

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><p><strong>The next two questions:<strong>

**Q7: What's your favourite fight scene?**

_**wow I have so many, but it has to be the one in Mortal Coil against Tesseract, when they were all at Skulduggery's house (Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Ghastly, Erskine, Tanith vs Tesseract). Also, not only was it awesome, but it was the first time they all fought together, and the first time we saw Erskine fight.**_

**Q8: What is a scene that made you emotional?**

**_*MAJOR SPOILERS FOR LSODM AND TDOTL, DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU HAVENT READ THESE BOOKS*_**

**_So, so many... Ghastly and Anton's death, Alice's death, Sanguine's death, heck I even cried at Thrasher's death. But the worst has to be that Accelerator bit. Skulduggery's assumed death. Yeah, that hit me bad._**


	32. An Old Flame

**Here is the next drabble! It's a little short so I'll update again possibly tomorrow. Please keep ideas and requests coming in if you have any! **

**Replies:**

**Valkyrie Jade: Thank you! I'll do some more like this in the future, as soon as I have an idea! :)**

**China sorrows 400: Yeah I think I know which one you're talking about, it was hilarious! Thanks for the comments! ;)**

**iriskary: lol! :) and yeah I saw your fanfic, it's really good! I love the idea, cuz they do run a lot, and it's really well written! Wow I love that idea! Cuz drunk teenagers are... Interestingly bonkers ;) Thank you for the review!**

**Berlin: That's an amazing idea, lol so funny as well! I can't imagine Ghastly drunk- he always did love tea. Maybe one of the others could secretly put alcohol in his tea... ;)**

**Thanks to Valkyrie Smith for the amazing idea! Val's 15 or 16 in this.**

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><p>"Tanith! Duck!" yelled Valkyrie Cain to Tanith Low.<p>

The two of them had been sent to tackle a goblin problem, and had so far taken down two out of the three goblins. However, the last remaining one was... gigantic.

Tanith finished it off with a kick to the head, and it collapsed, unconscious. They walked over to it, checking that it wasn't going to jump up and surprise them. This time, it seemed that it was out cold.

Now that she had got a closer look at the goblin, Valkyrie could see that it was in fact female, and had tree trunk arms and even larger legs, and wore a garment that looked like it was made up of various wedding dresses that had been stitched together. Valkyrie blinked. It was her. It was Peg!

She burst out laughing, tears of laughter streaming down her face from the memory of her and Skulduggery's encounter with Peg. She composed herself after a few moments, to find Tanith looking at her with an expression that said 'What. The. Hell?'.

"A few years ago," giggled Valkyrie, "me and Skul were on a case to stop these goblins who were stealing babies cuz they wanted gold, and one of the goblins was this one, her name's Peg, and basically she was in love with Skulduggery!" Pretty soon, Tanith was laughing hard as well.

"I have such a good idea," Tanith suddenly said, and whispered something to Valkyrie. Valkyrie instantly cracked up again, and nodded vigorously.

Once the girls had regained their composure, they called the sanctuary and told them where to find the goblins. However, they had something very special in mind for Peg...

"Ah, you're back early," said Skulduggery when Valkyrie walked into the sanctuary.

"Yeah, it wasn't too bad," she replied. "Oh, by the way, there's someone waiting for you in the interrogation room. I offered to do it, but Ghastly said that this was a job especially for you."

"Really?" asked Skulduggery. "Well, that's not too hard to believe, since I am the best interrogator around..."

"Yes, you are," said Valkyrie, struggling to hold in her laughter. He has no idea what's coming.

Skulduggery got up and strolled confidently towards the interrogation rooms, Valkyrie following. She pointed out the right one for him, and he walked in. Valkyrie slammed the door behind him, locking it securely. She then ran to Ghastly's office, where him and Tanith were waiting. A small screen was in front of them, and was wired up to show what was happening in the room Skulduggery had gone into.

Valkyrie joined them, and sat in front of the screen. It showed Skulduggery nervously backing into a corner, with none other than Peg advancing on him. She pressed a button, and sound was heard.

"I uv oo, Skuluggi," Peg said.

"Now, now, Peg, what about that chat I had with you about Mr Right being out there somewhere?" said Skulduggery, trying to calm her down.

"Mister Wite no come!" she wailed, and flung herself at Skulduggery, who only just managed to dodge her.

"I'm very sorry to hear that, Peg, but he will, trust me," said Skulduggery, now backing into the opposite corner.

"SKULUGGI I UV OO!" Peg screeched, and she advanced on him. Skulduggery yelped and darted to the next corner of the room.

"I know that you're rather conveniently dressed for a wedding, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave you at the altar, Peg."

Peg wailed, and leapt into the air, right on top of an unsuspecting Skulduggery. Skulduggery's muffled cries could be heard below her.

"Skuluggi we be togedda forevva!" she cheered. "We av lots of ba'ees!"

Skulduggery let out a mournful wail. Peg finally got off him, and he sat up, dazed. "Please don't do that again."

"Skuluggi, will oo mawwy me?"

Skulduggery froze in shock. He didn't know how to feel- flattered, disgusted, surprised, scared... How the hell am I going to let her down gently? he wondered.

"Peg, as beautiful as you are, I'm sorry. I can't marry you," said Skulduggery.

"SKULUGGI OO NO UV ME!" she wailed, and grabbed a hold of his leg. Skulduggery barely had time to look surprised when Peg started swinging him around like a cowboy's lasso, his skull occasionally bumping against the small confines of the room.

"Peg... Put me... Down," he yelled, as he swung round and round.

"Okay," said Peg, and she let go, sending Skulduggery head first into the camera.

The screen turned black, but by now, Valkyrie, Tanith and Ghastly were laughing too much to care. And the best part was; Ghastly had recorded the whole thing.

"Do you...think...we...should let...him out?" asked Ghastly breathlessly, still giggling.

Valkyrie and Tanith looked at each other. "Nah!" they said in unison, and the three continued laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>Q9: What is something you hate about the series?<strong>

**_I hate how the reflection ended up working alongside Skulduggery, after everything she did. Also, it's annoying how there was absolutely no mention of Saracen Rue being in the dead men, until Death Bringer- I would've thought that since he was in the dead men, and is one of Skul's best friends, that he would have been mentioned at least once, but he wasn't until six books into the series. I also hate how Skul forgave China. Heck he even offered her a hug! And I don't like how the dead men only focused mainly on the death of Ghastly, not really so much on Anton. and also it was annoying how there were no detailed descriptions about Anton and Erskine, and no recent illustrations either. It's also extremely frustrating that there were no pairings or implied pairings towards the end of the series, or even throughout it, except for, obviously, Ghanith, Fletchyrie and ValkyrieXcaelan, none of which worked out. Okay that's a lot of stuff I hate!_**

**Q10: Who is a character that you wish hadn't died?**

**_The obvious answer for me would be Ghastly, but I think that his death meant something; it showed the great lengths Erskine was prepared to go to, as well as show the close bond between him and Skul and the others. I didnt want him to die, but I get why he did. Umm so I guess I would say that I wish Anton hadn't died; he was awesome, and his death was pretty pointless to me, killing Ghastly was bad enough. Oh yeah and Tesseract- it would've been epic if he had come into later books, I can just picture him against melancholia in death bringer, or fighting against the warlocks in LSODM. Oh and Sanguine's death. That was just heartbreaking._**


	33. Barely There

**You are not to look the master in the eye. **

**Okay lol that was random. One of my favourite quotes from KOTW. Recently finished reading it again, and now it's stuck in my head. :)**

**Review replies;**

**Libertied Insanity: lol thanks :) Yeah I agree, there weren't many moments with Valkyrie and Tanith doing combat together, even just training, which was annoying. Yeah Skul's ego never falters :) lol this is like some top secret mission before your parents get back ;) haha good luck Espionage Insanity ;) ok random nickname for you there XD**

**Guest: Thank you for the request- love the idea! I'll start on it soon; I can see lots of humorous possibilities... ;) thanks again!**

**Thank you to pleasantlycain for requesting this! (Your other two requests will be uploaded soon!) **

**Val's 18**

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><p>Valkyrie walked beside Skulduggery as they entered the Sanctuary, keeping her eyes down. They were there to report a vampire outbreak in the sorcerer town of Crodeshire, where they had just come from after being ambushed by vampires. As she wasn't wearing protective clothing, the vampires' claws had cut straight through her t-shirt and jeans. Miraculously, she was unhurt, except for a small scratch on her hand, which she got by cutting herself on the side of a tree. She didn't know <em>how<em> she had managed to come out of the encounter unscathed, but was just grateful that she had.

All this was why she was walking through the Sanctuary in a t-shirt that was in shreds, and jeans that weren't much better, both of which were revealing her underwear. Valkyrie glanced up as Skulduggery slowed, and saw that they were approaching Tipstaff.

She gathered the courage to meet his eyes, thinking that he was mature and sensible. She was wrong.

He began talking about how the elders weren't expecting them and they needed to make an appointment, and that they shouldn't be disturbed under any circumstances and all that stuff, but Valkyrie noticed how his eyes kept trailing down to her mostly uncovered breasts, and in some cases going even further downwards. His voice became increasingly strained, and eventually Skulduggery cut him off.

"Thank you, Tipstaff, that's enough information for now," he said smoothly, and led Valkyrie past him, en route towards the elders' offices, calling back over his shoulder, "Stop staring at my partner's behind." Valkyrie heard hurried footsteps scurry quickly away, and she hooked her fingers casually behind her back, in an attempt to cover her behind.

On the way to the offices, they passed various other sorcerers, all of which were male. Valkyrie kept her head held high and her eyes straight ahead, even as she noticed all of them checking her out, taking long, non discreet looks at her body, until Skulduggery placed a hand on his gun, which was sticking out of his pocket, and they quickly sped up past the detectives. They reached Ghastly's office, and knocked.

"Come in," he called, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery walked in. Valkyrie turned to close the door behind her.

Ghastly was at his desk sorting through large piles of paper, and Erskine was lounging on one of the leather sofas next to it. Both looked up at the detectives' arrival.

Ghastly dropped the papers he was holding, and tried very hard to maintain eye contact with Valkyrie, opting instead to just look at Skulduggery, deeming it the safer option, although his field of vision inevitably slipped towards her occasionally. Erskine, however, was openly staring; first at Valkyrie's arse as she turned to close the door, and then at Valkyrie's chest as she faced him. He let out a wolf whistle, to which Valkyrie blushed. She'd always had a _minor_ crush on the Grand Mage. Even so, the situation was still embarrassing.

"We're here to inform you-" began Skulduggery grandly, but was cut off when Tipstaff entered the room.

"I'm here to collect the papers, Elder Bespoke," he said, his voice wavering slightly as he caught sight of Valkyrie standing next to him. Wearing literally nothing. He whimpered.

"Administrator," Ghastly said, drawing Tipstaff's attention, and eyes, back to Ghastly.

"Right, yes," stammered Tipstaff, and he hurried over to Ghastly's desk, and began gathering the papers together. Valkyrie noticed his eyes frequently peeking up at her, then dropping just as quickly. She glanced over at Erskine. Yup, he was still staring. He glanced up and made eye contact with her, and smirked. He sat back on the sofa, and crossed one leg over the other, perfectly relaxed. He continued to stare, almost as if this was some sort of show. She shifted on her feet slightly.

"As I was saying," restarted Skulduggery. "We are here to tell you..." he trailed off when Ghastly got up out of his chair. He grabbed the sleeve of Skulduggery's jacket and pulled, so it came off that arm. Before Skulduggery even realised what the hell was going on, Ghastly did the same to the other sleeve, and the jacket fell off completely. Ghastly picked it up and draped it over Valkyrie's shoulders. She held it tightly around her body, and smiled at him thankfully.

"Hey!" Skulduggery protested, after having his jacket 'stolen' from him.

"Ghastly!" Erskine whined. He had been thoroughly liking the view.

"Elder Bespoke! I was enjoying that!" complained Tipstaff, much to everyone's surprise.

They looked at him. He quickly clamped a hand over his mouth, like he couldn't believe that he had just blurted that out loud. He gathered the last of the papers at lightning speed, and practically ran out of the office, slamming the door behind him,

Three shocked sets of eyes and one pair of surprised eye sockets stared at the door. Erskine broke the silence.

"Holy crap- my Administrator's a pedophile!"

* * *

><p><strong>Q11: Who is a character that you wish had died?<strong>

**_I think for all the trouble she caused, I kinda wished that Tanith would be killed at some point. Also, China should've died. She should've been killed by Darquesse, or even anyone else, I literally just wanted her killed. Painfully. :)_**

**Q12: What is your chosen power/discipline?  
><strong>

**_For its sheer awesomeness and power, Necromancy. And I love Solomon Wreath, so that may or may not also be part of the reason._**


	34. Tomatoes

**This is a short one, so I'll update again soon :)**

**Replies;**

**Veronica Violet: oh my god I know right!? He's amaaaaazing! Love him :)**

**Lauryn: Thank you ;)**

**pleasantlycain: Thanks :) and thank you for requesting it in the first place!**

**Berlin: Awesome ideas! They'll come in useful for the drabble :) haha Beryl... You really hate her dont you? :) lol yeah she needed to fall down a hole or something by book two. ;)**

**wow lots of smiley faces! :):):):):):):):):):):) okay that just looks weird now :S**

**Thanks to Libertied Insanity for the support for this random idea!**

**Val's 16**

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><p>"Oh my God, I'm so booooooooooored," moaned Valkyrie as she walked aimlessly around the mansion. Skulduggery was sitting in the living room, reading one of Gordon's notebooks, as he thought it would be useful for their current case. Valkyrie had asked if she should read some as well, but Skulduggery had hastily declined the offer. Normally when Valkyrie did things like this, she didn't do them very well.<p>

Valkyrie reached the kitchen. She saw an open container of tomatoes, which she had recently picked from the tomato plant in Gordon's back yard. She grinned.

She could do some juggling!

The tomatoes were the perfect size and shape, and fit into her hand nicely. She took three, and raced back into the living room.

"Skulduggery!" she called as she ran up to him.

Skulduggery jumped and looked up, and saw a crazed Valkyrie running to him, with three tomatoes in her hands.

"Uh," he said.

"I'm going to juggle tomatoes!" she said excitedly. Skulduggery nodded slowly.

Valkyrie stepped back, and adjusted the positioning of the tomatoes in her hands. She paused suddenly.

"How do I do it? Do I just throw them all up in the air or something?" she asked. Skulduggery shrugged.

"Why on earth do you assume that I know so much about juggling tomatoes?"

Now it was her turn to shrug. "I dunno, everyone needs a hobby, I guess. You just seem like the type of guy to juggle tomatoes."

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Interesting."

"Oh well, here goes nothing," said Valkyrie, and transferred all three tomatoes into her left hand, preparing to throw them all up in the air together. That's where it went wrong.

She swung her arm, ready to release her hold, when one of the tomatoes slipped from her grasp too early, and hit the floor. Startled, she stepped forward and managed to squash it under her foot. Skulduggery laughed uncontrollably.

She turned her head and scowled at him, but in doing so, she slipped on the tomato's juice that had spilt out onto the floor, and fell to the ground, the other two tomatoes going flying.

One landed on the ground a split-second before her bum hit the floor, and she landed on it with a squish. Grumbling at how she had just sat on a tomato, she stood up, and began looking around for where the other damn tomato had gotten to.

She was aware that Skulduggery's laughter had come to an abrupt stop, and turned to face him. Her eyes widened, and within seconds she was on the floor laughing crazily.

Skulduggery was sitting there with the third tomato lodged securely between his jaws.

* * *

><p><strong>Q13: What would your taken name be?<strong>

**_Victoria Pierce. (Necromancer). I've just had that in my head for god knows how long._**

**Q14: What is your least favourite power?  
><strong>

**_I think they're all awesome in their own way, but my least favourite... Ummm the children of the spiders' ones, like turning into a giant spider, and having loads of little spiders under your clothes. Ewww.  
><em>**


	35. In the Office of the Grand Mage

**Helloooooooo! Next Drabble is here! :)**

**Libertied Insanity: haha lol! The haunted bin! I seem like I would juggle tomatoes...? Mmmh interesting ;) lol yeah in a moment of stupidity i put them all into one hand and tried to throw them in the air. Something went wrong, and, well, you know the rest. Wow... Very random :) love that idea, I'll start on it soon! Thank you!**

**Squishy: omg I love that part in Death Bringer, it was hilarious! I really like that idea! Like loads of different scenarios in which Larrikin is trying to hug Anton, with him finally giving in to a massive rib crushing hug. Thank you!**

**OMG I JUST REALISED THAT I HAVE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN TO DO A DISCLAIMER! **

**ahem. here it is. at last.**

**_Disclaimer: The characters featured, unless specified beforehand, are owned by a Mr Derek Landy, also known as the Golden God. The various plots, however, are mine, although some have received help/inspiration along the way, which will always be mentioned in the author's note. And now, for my own work's disclaimer :D. If anyone copies my plots or storylines or... anything, I will demand the work's removal, because no one likes a copycat ;). Um I think that's all the legal stuff done... Well I hope so._**

**Thank you to pleasantlycain for requesting Valskine (I think that's what it's called...)**

**Val's 18**

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><p>Valkyrie walked up to Erskine's office, where she was heading in order to inform him about their latest case, while Skulduggery was being patched up in the Infirmary. They had tracked down and arrested a notorious murderer, but in the process of doing so, two of Skulduggery's ribs had been snapped. Doctor Synecdoche was examining and treating him, after he had made endless threats to Nye.<p>

Valkyrie reached Erskine's office, and hesitated. She took a few calming breaths, trying to stop her heart from racing. She had had a crush on Erskine ever since she first saw him; he had dashing good looks and an impeccable dress sense. It had taken all her self-control at the Requiem Ball not to drool all over him as he stood there in his handsome tuxedo, and when he kissed her cheek, she thought she'd die of happiness and giddiness.

She had thought that, over the years, her infatuation with Erskine would deteriorate, but it had only gotten worse. _Bloody hell,_ she thought. _I'm in love with the Grand Mage._

She knocked on his office, and attempted to calm down. "Enter," he called, and Valkyrie did so.

He was at his desk, with a large pile of paperwork in front of him, that he was slowly working his way through. He looked up at her entrance, and his weary grimace turned instantly into a pleased beam. Valkyrie smiled back.

"Valkyrie, my breath of sunshine, what brings you here?" he asked, grinning.

She laughed. "I've been tasked with telling you what happened earlier today, if you've got the time."

"I always have time for you," Erskine purred, and Valkyrie blushed and took a seat.

"It's hot in here," she remarked, removing her jacket and placing it on the back of her chair.

Erskine nodded. "Tipstaff doesn't let me open the windows. I think it's because a pigeon once flew in and 'did its business' on some very important papers, which were meant to be sent to the Grand Mage of France. I got told off about that." He chuckled slightly, and she grinned again.

"So," she began, "Skulduggery and I tracked down the guy, and beat him up, and then he released this energy stream out of his nose. I'm not even kidding, we had him held down on the ground, and he literally was like, 'Would you mind terribly if I sneezed?' and next thing we knew, he had sneezed out a stream of energy. It hit Skulduggery in the ribs, and he fell back. Then, I threw some shadows at the guy and put cuffs on, and then we came here, and Tipstaff told Skulduggery to go and get healed by Nye, and Skulduggery started a big speech about what Nye did in the war and what he did to his friends and how Tipstaff is too young to understand and how modern society was different and the problems with the youth of today and how there's a lot more litter and pollution, and he ended up talking about global warming and how it's killing polar bears."

Valkyrie sat back. "I'm not sure if that was any help, but it's what happened," she added helpfully.

Erskine raised an eyebrow. "Interesting. Did you happen to catch the guy's name?"

Valkyrie frowned. "Were we meant to?"

"Yes," Erskine sighed. "Yes, you were. That was the point. Never mind, we can interrogate it out of him later. I've forgotten why we were even looking for him in the first place, to be honest. I would tell you off about not learning his name, Valkyrie, but you look so damn hot today I think I'd get distracted." He said all of that with the same tone, so Valkyrie could have sworn she'd misheard. _Why the hell would Erskine say those things about _her_?_

Valkyrie mentally shook her head, and smiled again at Erskine. "I think I'd better get back to Skulduggery," she said. "Before he finds out that it was Nye who performed the surgery bit while he was unconscious."

She stood up, and took her jacket from the back of her chair. She put it on, but her hair got caught in the zip. She cursed.

Then, gentle fingers were working swiftly at her hair, untangling it painlessly from the zip. "Thanks," she said gratefully, her cheeks burning.

But when she looked up and met Erskine's eye, he was looking at her with such a hunger that she found herself leaning in to kiss him. She felt his warm, soft lips on hers, and lust overcame them both as the kiss turned rougher and more passionate. Her arms wound around his neck, and his hands were under her t-shirt, caressing the bare skin of her waist. Before she even realised that she had moved, Erskine was pushing her up against the wall, passionately kissing her lips and neck.

She pulled away slightly, and smiled softly. "Such a naughty Grand Mage," she murmured against his lips.

"My dear Valkyrie," he said seductively, smirking, "you kissed me first. But allow me to even it up a little." And with that, he leaned in to kiss her again.

* * *

><p><strong>Next questions! Wow we're halfway through already...<strong>

**Q15: What is a question you want to be answered in the future?**

**_So many! Do Saracen and Dexter get together? Does Valkyrie have feelings for Skulduggery and vice versa? What did Dusk taste in Val's blood? What is Saracen's power (I know derek said that Saracen was basically HIM in the books, and that would imply that as the author, Saracen would know stuff, but I'm not buying that explanation- for example, why didn't Saracen know the identity of the man with the golden eyes?)? Who were Grant and Jeremiah?_**

**Q16: Who do you think is/are the evilest character/s?**

**_Kitana, Doran and Sean, but mainly Doran. They just wanted to inflict pain; at least Darquesse did it all out of scientific curiosity, and Lord Vile had a motive- revenge. These three, though, were just murdering innocent people for absolutely no reason. _**


End file.
